You Got A Booger

       First of all, have you ever noticed that we usually say “You got a booger” instead of “You have a booger”? That's pretty weird…. Maybe it's just me though. Secondly, there are only two types of people in the world. There are people who want to know they have a booger and those who don't think that they want to know that they have a booger. Why does that even matter? I'm very glad you asked…

      The discovery of a booger is in itself an ordeal. I don't know about you, but while trying to remove a booger, I always wonder how long it has been there, who saw it, and why didn't they tell me. Sometimes I think this one isn't that bad, other times I have used horrible words to describe just how I feel at the moment of discovery. Either way I hate to have them and in my mind it makes it worse when I've worn that booger around people who were close to me and they didn't tell me. Needless to say it's embarrassing and often times disgusting, but boogers are a part of life. You'll have to follow me right here because I have a big booger theory…not a theory about big boogers, but a big booger theory. 

      We, as citizens of the world, in our respective groups, and as members of larger communities do NOT want to know that we have boogers…or we think we don't want to know.

      I'm going to make this as short as possible and cover as many people as I can. You can continue this logic on your own after you understand how I do it and use the information for your own purposes. Please keep in mind that there will always be individuals who fall outside of these boundaries, but this isn't about individuals. Here we go…

      Black people do NOT want to know about the booger of blown opportunities. We'd rather try to get people to understand all of the reasons that led to us blowing opportunity than to recognize that blowing opportunity is just as detrimental as denying opportunity.

      White people do NOT want to know about the booger of destruction and oppression that has been waged on any culture they have come into contact with. They would rather focus on the ills of everyone else's society and culture than to look in a mirror.

      Gay people do NOT want to hear about the booger of impression. They would rather normalize the feminization of boys and masculine identifying of girls instead of actually looking at whether the immersion of our country into homosexual images is affecting impressionable kids.

      The Church does NOT want to hear about the booger of failure. The church would rather search for old glory days than to recognize that it failed as an institution of morality and interconnectivity among its parishioners by limiting God to feeling good and getting money.

      Republicans do NOT want to hear about the booger in the White House. They would rather justify, rationalize, and be blind to blatant lies, stupidity, and gut wrenching hypocrisy than to say we've gone too far in the wrong direction.

      Democrats do NOT want to hear about the booger of weakness. They would rather call attention to trivial matters than to be a worthy political opponents with a true agenda designed to actually galvanize their party.

      Of course we know the police don't want to hear about the booger of murderous racism, doctors don't want to know about the booger of greed, and America doesn't want to know about the booger of bullying. You should know that if you tell these different groups that they have a booger you'll be subject to smears, attacks, and mean looks but the truth about it is, I'd rather know about my booger so I can handle that.

Sign The Least

Grammar is soooo important. 

My journey to find a new church home was a tedious task. I went past and to all kinds of churches. I went to traditional services, contemporary services, exciting services, dead services, and everything in between. Before I started my search I was under the impression that it would be an easy fit. I figured I know God, churches surely know Him, so there's not really much else to it. I was WRONG!

As a visitor there were certain things that caught my eye....or turned my stomach...or didn't touch me in any way which was the worst of all. Sometimes the preacher was really good, but the choir just couldn't get me there. Other times the music was sent personally from God, but I couldn't tell who "called" the preacher or what he/she was exactly "called" to do. There are several other things that I looked for or missed, but I could go on and on about that forever.

One day I walked into a church that I knew was MY church. I was greeted, made to feel comfortable, the music was moving, and the preacher worked the Word like a master. I had no doubt that I had found my new church home. I went there for a month or so just to make sure I wasn't being tricked and once I felt like there was nothing fake about the church I took the step of joining.

It was all I could hope for! There was a large celebration because I joined and I filled out a few papers and was told what I needed to do. Stay faithful, pay a determined amount for assessments, learn all I could about the church and God, be involved, and go to the new members class. After a couple months I was sure that I found the right place for me.

At my second new members meeting something very interesting happened. We had discussed the role of the various elected boards of the church and we talked about a few of the ministries and then the facilitator asked, "Did you new people sign the least?" That hurt me because I really loathe the destruction of the English language. For me, it's a major turn off and makes me question how serious or how worthy a leader is of my follow. I held my peace and waited until the meeting was over to approach him.

I was a little bit nervous to question a leader since I was a new member, but I was reassured by his disposition and heartfelt desire to help me out. Here's our conversation.

"I'm really enjoying the church and I feel welcomed here. Thanks for accepting me with such open arms."

"You are more than welcome. As our membership grows, so does our ability to reach more people. Will you be telling anyone else about us?"

"I sure will! Other people need to come."

"Well what can I help you with because I know they are about ready to lock up for the night."

"Ummmmmmmm....."

"Go ahead son. It's ok to say what's on your heart."

"Well I was listening to everything tonight... at the end of the meeting you asked us if we had signed the least. My mom was an English teacher and that just kinda got under my skin. It also confused me because we had already joined and I didn't know exactly what kind of lease you were speaking of. I mean do we have another financial obligation or is this a spiritual lease that we are signing with God? I'm just a little confused."

He laughed and said, " I didn't misspeak."

"I'm lost. I'm completely lost."

"This is a great church. We have a beautiful structure, the people are happy, the choir is great, and the church is growing. There is a way that we do things here so listen carefully. At OUR church, we keep everybody happy by doing the least we can. Our ushers are happy because they do the least amount of work they can when it comes to making people comfortable. They'll greet you, but that's about it. Our choir is happy but that's because we don't demand that they come to practice, we let them do the least amount of practice to get by. Now they are blessed with good voices so why put the extra demand on them? The people are happy because we don't keep them here long and we don't ask them to do anything through the week. The least they can do is come on Sunday and that's good enough for us. Our officers are elected but they don't really have to do anything after that. They have meetings, but those are just times where they get together and chat a little. The amount of money that we ask the members for is just enough to pay all the bills. Our preacher?... oh he's happy because he does the least he can too. He doesn't have to visit or counsel or do revivals. He can just come on Sunday. You understand what I'm saying? The greatest part about our church is that we do the least. As a new member, I need you to buy in and go with the program. That's why I asked if the new members had signed the least. I didn't misspeak."

The truth about it is, if the least you could do was good enough for God, then He wouldn't have blessed you with the ability to do more.

Friends CAN Sleep Together

       I’m sure that most people who read my blog sort of understand my thinking…then again it probably confuses just as many people on the other side. I’m just going to assume that most of my readers are adults, that way I don’t have to dumb this down. Either way, these are my thoughts and I have a great one this time.
         
     Yes. You read the title. Friends CAN sleep together. This is an age old issue and it’s about time that we settle this once and for all. I’m definitely not the ultimate authority on all things friends and all things sex, but I stand on my logic here.
        
     Many of us have friends of the opposite sex. (This could probably apply to same sex friends but that ain’t my life so I can’t speak on that). We have friends and a lot of times they are attractive people to us. Sometimes we have an ugly outlier but for the most part our tastes and likes aren’t limited to our mates. We are inexplicably drawn to what we like to see in people at all times. That was a really long way to say that our friends look good too. If you have had really close, really good looking friends then you have probably stumbled into that uncomfortable moment where everything just feels right. Let’s talk about that moment for a minute for informational purposes.
        
     True friends are very close to our hearts and circumstances. That means they are there for the high points in life and the low points in life. They are there when we are strong and they are also there when we are weak. Sometimes the “moment” happens when we are happy. Sometimes the “moment” happens when we are sad and vulnerable. Sometimes the “moment” comes when are rational and sometimes it comes when we are intoxicated on life, alcohol, or drugs. There’s no way to create the exact moment, but many of us have had it or will encounter it soon enough. I DO know this much. There is a certain stillness about that time. There is an inner desire to act in a sexual manner. You know the other person feels that way. They look good (great right then). And that’s about all humans need to actually participate in consensual sexual activity.
          
     The history of your friendship also does much to make that “moment” feel right. There’s nothing like being with someone who you trust and love, and if everyone is fully functional then it can happen.
         
     It’s sort of like my car. I just got a car because of a horrible accident. I wasn’t hurt too bad but of course my car was totaled. Now my new car has all the stuff I like. 6 speed, slightly larger tires on the back, push button traction control, a lot of torque, plenty of horsepower, blah blah blah. The governor is even set high so I can actually run it up to about 147. Anyway, when the moment is right I make sure to give it all I can. If you truly know me then you know I will run it all the way out when I get the notion. I will race anybody. I’ll even race knowing I will lose just because I want to see how I do against better competition. If the police come I have already figured out that they’re going to get the one in the back or the loser.
         
     Here’s the rub. If you can recognize that driving 150 mph is hazardous to the car I love, my freedom from incarceration, and my life in general, then you should be able to recognize just how much you’re risking by sleeping with your friend. You don’t get that many true friends and the same way the speed limit sign lets me know that I’m breaking the law is the same way that the word FRIEND is letting you know that you are breaking the law by sleeping with them. Just because my car can do 150 doesn’t mean I should actually do it. The truth about it is, just because you CAN sleep with your friend doesn’t mean you should.