Searched All Over

Like I’ve said before I’m a musician and I’m a church guy AND I’m straight. Not trying to offend anyone but we are who we are and I thought I needed to make the point because I know what I see. I had a conversation with my preacher about it when we were looking for a fill in one Sunday and it was funny because he told me that I was the one that was out of the ordinary. Go figure. But anyway the song “Nobody Greater” has this part where it says “Searched all over…..couldn’t find nobody….” Let’s just stop right there because that’s the part that ‘got’ me to thinking.

In our personal dealings I would say that the search is the best and most dreaded aspect of a relationship. One disturbing part is the fear that arises from the thought of being unsuccessful. People shut down instead of search for fear of not finding. Another scary aspect is finding someone who wasn’t worth the search. And still another more frightening block to searching is finding someone and then being let down after you have already invested.

Invested is a funny word because it immediately causes us to think of money.  Money is funny because unless one party isn’t working it all comes out in the wash….or unless somebody just doesn’t want to be an active participant. (On stage) “I know we have some ride-a-longs in the house!” But money is the least of your investments when it comes to relationships and any other matter of the heart. The only time we worry about the money is at the end of everything when we are broke. But I promise you are more likely to get some more money before you are able to heal from the loss of the other investments. The other investments include things such as time and travel destinations. Time cannot be retrieved and in many instances destinations are scarred by having been there before with someone else. The other investments also include hopes and dreams which can only be birthed again once they are shattered.

Finding someone who wasn’t worth the search is probably the most trivial matter because it occupies time that should be spent continuing the search. It’s almost always happens that when we make a personal stop along the railway of relationships, we are going to spend some time there even if we have a feeling that we are not at our true destination. This is the trivial matter but it is also the one that discourages many from actually searching. It is the aspect that breeds the most frustration.

And lastly there is that first fear of being unsuccessful in the search process. Being unsuccessful could be the result of many things. Maybe not being in the right place at the right time. Maybe finding someone who is already taken. Maybe rejection is found. Maybe the standards are set amazingly high. Whatever the reason, the thought of undertaking the search process and not finding anyone is enough to scare some people away. That’s scary too.

But the truth about it is, the most frightening thing would be to NOT be able to say that I searched all over. That is what makes the search the best part. It takes away the regrets.

It Is What It Is

Out of all the popular sayings, this has to be the worse. The only response to that statement can be the reverse in question form. Is it? What is it? Now I do have to say that I have used the phrase and it does have a certain heft to it that feels good in the dismissal of whatever it is…that’s when we say that. We use it when we really have stopped caring and when we have hurt feelings and even when we want to hurt someone else. It’s a form of dismissal. We say “it is what it is” and that’s usually the end of whatever it was.

My problem with the saying? The influx of ignorance that results from the implementation of this particular mindset.

There is no way to know everything. No man/woman is omniscient. But there is no way to possibly know anything when there is refusal to search the facts. Having a mindset of “it is what it is” even if the phrase is never uttered means that the stepping stones and lessons in life that should be remembered and employed are thrown out at the new starting point. That means that streams that have already been passed are once again unnavigable because the path across has been forgotten. It means that when the tests of life come the lessons haven’t even been studied.

Very few things in life are what they are. Most of the time it is some of what it is and a lot of what we make it. Aside from the Lord and many inanimate objects, most things can be molded into something beneficial. Even if the results are horrid the analysis of what produced the results is usually important enough to take note of. But the task becomes difficult when “it is what it is” instead of “what made it?” or “what can be made of it?”

I watch the children’s shows with my daughter. (So what?!) One thing they make sure that children can recognize is a pattern. I can’t figure out how we wait until adulthood to not be able to recognize patterns. We don’t see patterns of behavior in anyone except everyone else in the world. The patterns that make up our own personal lives hide from us. They find shelter and comfort in the part of our life right before we said “it is what it is.”

                                                                                                                                                   ----TTAII

When We Gone Get Something?

This one goes out to ALL my black brothers and sisters. I usually try to focus solely on issues that are common to most people. That’s what I try to do. On some level I guess I hope that one day we will still achieve that thing called unity. (singing Kum Ba Yah). And then something happens like what happened to Trayvon Martin. That boy was murdered plain and simple. And the police department is in on it. You may not agree, but don’t put your money up.

Finally after almost a month of a nothing investigation, the Department of Justice is going down to Florida to make sense of it all. There is none. Only murder and corruption. No sense. I, like everyone else, have seen the internet petitions and the outrage of cable T.V. personalities. I signed the petition and posted it to my wall on FB, and I have been following the story as best I can. As of right now all I can say is it’s a shame and a disgrace.

Not just because that poor innocent child was murdered, but because we as black people have no response for anything. And that is just as shameful and disgraceful. People used to do things to us before and during the civil rights era but at least then they already knew a response was coming. It might have been in the form of the nonviolent gathering of King and his followers, or Malcolm and the NOI, or even the Black Panther Party. I mean don’t get me wrong because Rev. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are sure to show up with the Rainbow Coalition and we appreciate them…but seriously when we gone get something?

When is our response going to be just as feared and expected as it once was? Wait---We are so unorganized and confrontational with each other that retribution for crimes against fellow members of our race only comes from the family and close friends. There is no black response. Where is our leader who will call us to action when the time comes? And why is it that just because we don’t have a King or X we just can’t get it together? We have better technology than before. We have more wealth than ever before. We have better education than ever before. We have better access to world happenings than ever before.

And we have less heart, less fight, less love, less compassion, less sense, and less meaningful culture than ever before. We finally have a black president and I am more likely to see some supposed brother (West and Smiley for starters) on television giving him hell and high water than I am to see a brother giving a full throated endorsement. Even if you don’t agree with him, is it too much to ask for respect in the accomplishment? Yep. It’s always a few of us hating trying to show off for people who would just as soon take your life because you have skittles and iced tea. We don’t even respect each other. We don’t even respect ourselves. Why would somebody from another race be scared to do anything to us? Even our Mexican brothers and sisters have been known to call up the fam from south of the border to handle stuff. Who do we call? Who responds to the calls of our hurt, wounded, or killed brothers and sisters?

They know we are not coming.

When we gone get something?—_grammar

                                                                                                -----TTAII

Tomorrow Is Promised

Ever seen that thing where people are supposed to describe you in one word? A major shout out to everyone who had enough guts to put that out there! I never really believed that people paid too much attention to me, so the first barrier for me would be getting past believing that people wouldn’t respond. The next barrier would be preparing me for what could possibly be said. I try to act appropriately at all times, but there are times when I slip and there are always my days of youthful indiscretion to talk about.

So rather than to unfairly draw you into the sorted details of my life, I selected a good quality. Everybody has some good to them. And one thing that I like about me or one word I would use to describe myself is: thinker. Now I’m not in a position to say that my thinking is always a good thing or that I always make the right choice, but it can never be said that I’m not thinking. Might not be about what somebody wants me to be thinking about, but I’m still thinking.

I really like to give thought to popular clichés to see if I can find fault or error in their logic. It’s not really that easy either. I have found that most things that have been said and passed down over the years contain truths at the core and cannot be fully debunked. Statements like a hit dog will holler. True. Sayings such as idle hands are the devil’s workshop. True. Or even what goes around comes around. True (if you don’t know you will learn). I was thinking about one today though…

“Tomorrow is not promised.”

First let me say that I believe that this quote has been altered and in societal haste to avoid condemnation and responsibility we have conveniently left out the part about us. I often hear it used almost as a warning when someone dies. You know, “live right because tomorrow is not promised”. I have even heard it used to sway a decision making process. “You might as well because tomorrow is not promised.” If I just focus on the way it’s used now then it’s being used in the wrong manner and not necessarily in a truthful manner.

I have to address the truthfulness of it first. I do not believe it. I believe that tomorrow is promised just not to me. Whatever happens, a new day is coming. I just might not be a part of it. There could be a Katrina, a Hiroshima, a 9/11, or even a Fukushima and tomorrow is coming. (That’s a hurricane, atomic bomb drop, catastrophic act of war, or a nuclear disaster). The sun could explode and refuse to shine and cast us into a death freeze but time is still going to be moving. Anything could happen, and tomorrow is going to come…just maybe not for me.

When I say the wrong manner, I mean that it should not be used as a warning to other people. It should be used as motivation for our own lives. It’s something to live by, not point out. The recognition of mortality and fear of the unknown should be enough to motivate us out of complacency and procrastination. The thought of never seeing and not being able to resolve issues with loved ones should be enough to make us all give second and third thought to those important decisions. The possibility of not being able to finish the work in life already started or to never realize the return on any investment ever made should give a whole new meaning to “whistle while you work”. Not because of the ease that the job is done with, but because of the speed and dynamic efficiency in the rate of accurate service provided. It should symbolically make a whistling noise. Now a days the verb used to describe that is “beasting”. Of course the thing to be now is a “beast.”

To ponder not having tomorrow should result in the creation of at least one motivated yet thoughtful beast on a daily basis because the truth about it is, tomorrow is promised…just not to me.

It Was The Way He Died

So in the beginning of March in North Carolina it had already become so hot that I had to cut my grass. (And I still have to listen to people say there is no global warming) Well after I awakened the mower from its short hibernation and finished the yard all I had to do was use the weed-eater. I was nervous because it seems that more and more they are making tools that only last for a year or two. The equipment is cheaper now, not because we get a deal but because we have to buy a new one soon. Anyway…towards the end of my labors I realized that I had forgotten to go around the flower bed (or what’s left of it)and at the third bush on the right side of the leaning stairs… I hit a snake with the weed-eater.

For some reason it doesn’t matter what’s in my hand, if I’m dealing with something like a snake it still feels weird to touch it with anything that my hands are on…(?). That’s just how it is. Well after poking it with a stick to make sure it was dead I went to the shed to put the weed-eater up. This is the unexpected part. On my way around the corner of the house I noticed movement in the same area where I just killed the snake. I stopped short and peaked around the corner to see what the deal was. Two things. When I was little we didn’t mess with animals because we thought their mother would come and try to kill us. It didn’t matter what the animal was. If we killed an ant we would always look to see if the mother was coming. Secondly, I always heard that if you chopped a snake up it would continue to live and try to do something to you. So I paused before I went around that corner.

What I saw really freaked me out a little. It was another snake coming out of the same spot. I mean literally it was coming out of the exact same place. I didn’t have the weed-eater so I looked back and grabbed a stick that my beloved dog had placed in the yard for no apparent reason. (He must be spiritual…his name IS Samson though). I grabbed the stick and was giving the snake time to get out far enough so he couldn’t sneak back in the hole. It was agonizing to wait. Not because I was so scared but because the snake was doing this thing where it was just moving from side to side with its mouth open. It was horrible because it looked like it was grieving for the loss of his partner. The snake seemed to look at the other one and do that side to side thing for what seemed to be an eternity.

Right when I was about to just swing at it I noticed that the snake wasn’t grieving, it was dying. I had chopped it in half with the weed-eater too. I guess I should have been happy that I killed the things but I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I couldn’t be happy without thinking about how that snake died. It appeared to be torturous and he was gasping for breath and he had to know death was eminent.  I say he as if I know the gender of the snake, but I just believe it was a guy for some reason. (Probably easier to handle than doing that to a female).

It was that back and forth motion and gasping for breath that made me think about the times when I was symbolically doing the same thing. (Like right now). I mean just slowly dying and gasping for the oxygen I need to cling to what’s left of my life. If we are alike, and I’m sure we are in certain ways, then you might understand that feeling of helplessness inside of a situation. My words may not fall on deaf ears when I say there were times when I had to realize that I had been cut in half. Or that when other people thought I was grieving, I was actually dying on the inside. Or that some fool with an emotional weed-eater put me out of my misery in the most painful way possible.  The way that snake died.

But it also shined a light on something I should appreciate more; my ability to regenerate. See the poor snake’s life came to a dreadful end but in the same symbolic way as before, I have the upper hand. The half of me that’s cut may wither, but the growth process begins immediately. The oxygen that I gasp for is the nourishment I need to begin the regeneration.  That back and forth motion is my life moving to completely free itself from the dead weight of a decaying half and not me trying to mend the pieces. It is sad to see companions who fall by the wayside (the first snake), but at one time or another we will all experience death whether real or symbolic and my advice is to move on before the person with the weed-eater gets back.

It wasn’t that the snake died. The truth about it is, it was the way he died.

Take Out The Trash

Every Wednesday I can count on one thing, I will forget to take out the trash. If I don’t do it on Tuesday during the day, then chances are I won’t think about it until I am stirred from my restful slumber by the sound of screeching brakes. I’m using this as a reminder to myself for tomorrow. Of course this is not about actual garbaj (as the rich folks say) so I will make my point here. You must get ready to take out the trash. 

My mother had a system that she used to make sure me and my brother kept our room organized. She would start with the chest of drawers and the dresser, then the closet, and then finally under the bed. She would pull, pour, and dump everything in the middle of the floor and then we had to go through it and clean up. I didn’t care for that at all. (note to self: dump stuff in floor when I get home) I loathed the chore. I can remember how hard it was to actually read all those notes…handwritten notes too, and to open all the folded up papers to see what they were. I had all kinds of contraptions and broken action figures in there. I had pennies and those 25₵ bouncy balls. It was crazy. Even though I hated it, I look back now and long for the day when I had time to go through the trash before I threw it away.

In a way it’s similar to the way that we deal with people. Maybe it’s a stretch but then again maybe it’s not. It seems like when I was younger losing a friend or an acquaintance was more of a process then it is now. I didn’t have that button that just allowed me to get rid of folks. To un-friend someone required thought and weighty issues. Who would I play with? Did anyone else live close enough? It was a miserable time during a rocky point between friends and there was little happiness until play resumed.  That rocky point might last a whole day but there was a bond between young friends that couldn’t be broken or severed simply because of a fight.

But now there has come a new day. A day when we chuck people to the side like yard crap from a stray dog. At any minute we may cut ties and never speak to someone we have known practically our entire adult life. It doesn’t even have to be a life threatening occurrence or an accident resulting from negligence…they just have to do something we don’t like and that’s it… Just like trash.

For once during this whole blog endeavor, I can finally speak from a place on the other side of the issue. I’m not saying that I have never participated in the human shot put, but I realized a while ago that just haphazardly cutting people out of my life or placing obstacles in the way of repairing valuable friendships and relationships was not the way to handle business. And yes, I do thank God for giving me the courage to be honest about that aspect of my life. There is no way to be the critic of myself that I need to be without looking from what I would consider His perspective.

So to everyone who has not harvested that nugget of information here is something to think about. People are not your waste. They are equipped with roughly the same emotional spectrum as you. Getting a point across is never a good enough reason to disregard someone you supposedly care about. If you care you will explain…as many times as it takes and adapt to compromise if necessary. Once human trash is disregarded there is no guarantee that you can locate it in the city landfill and the recycling process may hurt your feelings. There are just as many reasons to sling you across the pile. And you can’t tell how bad the trash smells if you have one of those stinky sinus infections (might be your upper lip).

If at all possible I would say to pull, pour, and dump people, their worth, and their possible benefits into the middle of the floor. Once it is all spread out then you need to unfold all the little pieces of paper and read all of the notes and count all the loose change and play with all the toys. After you have looked through it all then the decision to do away with anything will have received the due diligence it deserved.

On the days that I do remember to set the trash on the street, I never hear the brakes of the trash truck and get upset about what is on the curb. The truth about it is, if you find yourself upset at that moment then you should have looked before you decided to take out the trash.

Put Some Clothes On

This one goes out to all of my brothers and sisters who forgot what clothes are for. Hopefully this won’t take too long to go through.

Clothes are made in many different shapes, sizes, and colors. They are made that way so that you can find some that number one cover you (functionality) and number two make you look nice (aesthetic). It is not cool or in style to wear clothes that don’t fulfill their purpose. It may do other things, but since when did directions and purposes not matter?

To my ladies: If you got it like that then we all know. You don’t have to accentuate too much because there is always someone who is checking you out. Whatever the feature is that you want people to see is already getting more attention than you know. You don’t have to wear pants that fit like that because they can already tell what you have by how you move. A decent length dress/skirt will give him enough skin to power his imagination. If it’s out of place don’t pull tight around it, just get something that fits in the right color. We all understand being cool with who you are, but we don’t understand putting things on display that are not attractive. Being scantily clad as a way of life will turn many heads, but it might not ever turn the one you want. If it does, and you are honest, you know it will turn the same head the other way.

To my fellas: Smh. Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, you looking like a fool with your pants on the ground. Clothes do NOT in any way represent ruthlessness or thug life. That is a characteristic that is shown through cut throat business dealings and street justice, both of which will get you locked up. Entrance into most acceptable situations and family life requires that you represent yourself as prepared and in charge of the situation. You can dress comfortable, casual, or even down without looking like who done it. She is not a b&%^@ for not responding to you while you looked like that. Your looks were unacceptable and made a statement of nonchalance and ignorance. I know she said she wanted a thug but don’t expect that mind set to last through adult life and the times you will embarrass her.

The truth about it is, people (my people) need to put some clothes on.

Tell Someone Who Is Listening

Nothing happened to me to make me get to thinking about this one. Sometimes I write what I think about and sometimes I think about what I write...I guess.  I can say that I immediately began to think of times where I tried to say or convey important ideas and never quite believed that the person or entity I was speaking to even heard me at all. I also thought that in the end, either way, there was some good and bad associated with being heard and not being heard.

First let me say this…the first example that came to mind was my Dad and my daughter. I love them both dearly but it is with great trepidation that I must report the following: if you tell them anything while they are watching television they will at the very end of your heartfelt monologue turn to you with the utmost concern and say “huh?”  LOL! I couldn’t say anything without saying that.

(Shortly after the laughter cramps subside and the tears ease) I also had other serious thoughts about that ‘tell someone who is listening’ thing because I couldn’t decide what the ideal situation was. I honestly struggled with the whole “I need to say something and you need to be listening vs. I don’t care if you were paying attention or not” Since one way seems so much more vile in its inception I’ll start with that one.

At certain times in life moments arise that I’m titling “I need to say something and you need to listen.” Often it is just about the time a decision will be made. We have all or should have heard the term ‘cry for help’ and that is basically what I’m saying. When a true ‘cry for help’ rings out an answer or an ignored call has a bearing on the decision making process of the one calling. Whatever happens there is only one constant. We can blame ourselves for not listening. We will probably have to deal with not being available at that time. We may regret not being in place to comfort or offer input. But the ultimate decision lies with the decision maker. Whatever they do in the end whether good or bad they have this one thing to say. “I told you.” Many times the person talking is just looking to get it out. I think about all the times I murmured stuff under my breath only to say “nothing” when asked. I think about the times when questioned and my response was “I told you.” I remember after fights as a small kid thinking “I told him.” I recall those times where I pushed by saying to myself “You told them so you gotta do it now.” Sometimes the ultimate goal is to say it. It becomes the other person’s responsibility to be paying attention. “I told you” gives peace, comfort, and security (false or not) to the person who had to say it.

It really didn’t get much further along than that because I realized that all of those times were the same times as “I need to say something and you need to listen.” Each one of those moments and happenings would have been better served by being heard. One thing I thought of, made up, or heard somewhere is that not having a voice is the start of all wars. There is no reason to fight or battle about anything other than getting some point across. So when I go back and think about it: I might not have angrily bitten my tongue and waited to drop the hammer later on. No one really asks too many questions when they already know. I probably wouldn’t have gotten thrown off of the school bus if those kids had heard me say, in so many ways, to leave me be. I would have been able to draw my motivation from a better place if I had taken the time to make sure I was gaining a level of understanding instead of personifying a steam roller.

I did come across a better chunk of information that brought me back home though. Even though they weren’t listening…when my dad and daughter say “huh” it’s my love that makes me start over from the beginning with minimal complaining, a deep breath, and a sigh…that’s the truth about it.

He Won’t Tell You

At a certain point you have to get past the expectations of meeting mold breakers or angels from on high and recognize that people are just people. Sinners whether they know it or not. Jerks and infidels if given an opportunity. And a host of other words that I save for my private rants when I’m alone. I am convinced that the rank of file of the failed relationship militia is not a savage voluntary fighting machine but a cast of bruised and broken draftees who would just as soon defect to the other side rather than continue to fight. My fear is that expectations delivered the draft notices and those same expectations will continue to renew some people’s tour; whether they are passed retirement age or not.

Please forgive me….I have to pause and give a moment to those expectations.

No one can live up to anybody’s expectations. We have all been exposed to what we perceive to be perfection and in our minds our expectations are based on those things. Often times, anger or a trying time is inflamed by a failure of one party to respond in a way that lives up to the standards of the other party. Check it out. “If you really cared you would have…”, “I can’t believe that you didn’t…”, “If I knew then what I know now…” All of these statements are rooted in the flaw of early expectations and setting standards when watching and waiting would have been a better course of action. Stop making things difficult!

Anyway…like I said earlier people are just people. Since I can’t speak for women I can only speak for men so here it is. (Takes deep breath)…Let’s keep it short and simple. Ladies: He won’t tell you. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain things that will be talked about, I’m just saying that there are many instances where your man is just not going to say anything. It’s complicated because there are many reasons, but here are a few that are most always applicable: it involves emotions, he is hurt, he didn’t notice, he bottled it up, he is scared you will get mad, or man pride is in effect. Because everyone is different your guy may have his particular reasons for whatever but I’m just offering a generalization.

It’s funny (sometimes) because I often hear men referred to as dogs by women. Fine. Let’s use that example. I am a dog owner and lover (and I cheered for Michael Vick). I have two named Moses and Sampson. (Godly names for such devious animals!!) Before I got Moses, I read several books and articles about Akitas. I was amazed when so much of what the books said proved to be true. It was almost like they knew my dog when they wrote it. Then I thought about it…they did. He had some traits that were just his personality alone but for the most part they were right on point. It really helped me to know what to do when he needed to know his place or when he wouldn’t listen to certain things. Sampson was the byproduct of Moses running away for four days and getting it in! Akita/Pit Bull and there was no manual. Not only was his head huge, but it was very hard and while he possessed many characteristics of his rolling stone daddy, I had no base of information. No help…at some points no hope. So a set of Broyhill furniture, a camcorder, and all of the carpet later I can appreciate having some basic knowledge of what I am dealing with.

There are enough men and experienced women to provide anyone looking for some section of the man manual. It will not tell you every issue that may present itself but it will let you know certain things and that way you can know what you are dealing with. The truth about it is, this is a very important section…he won’t tell you.