The Stains of Others

I am a church guy. I have been going to church ever since I can remember. I am, at this point in my life, doing fine as a full time keyboard player. That is code for I am a church musician. If you play the piano, you play at church… (a story that would involve consecutive blog posts). I said all that to say this; there are many scriptures and scriptural references that I know and have been hearing for my whole life. One popped up in my head…not sure of the book, chapter, and verse. ( Fact: Even the devil quotes scripture. So don’t be fooled ALL the time by the church mouth!) It’s the one when they talk about washing them white as snow. This got me to thinking…

Some of the people that come into our lives don’t leave impressions or marks, they leave stains. They stain and blemish our confidence. They foul the spectrum of our accomplishments and discolor our attempts. If you take notice, I made it a point to say “our”. I did so because we have all had someone in our lives like that. Even the people who act like that only do it to everyone else as retribution for the same thing happening to them.

There is a fork in the road here. Actually, there is one of those traffic circles with about 6 exits. This can go many ways. There is no way I could actually talk about everything, but I will say this….If I knew that stains hurt like that I would have taken my suit to the hospital a long time ago. See, as a church musician I have to have suits. That is not to say that you will ever see me in a suit and tie, it’s sort of rare. But I do need suits. I have one that I like. It’s one of those suits that you buy the coat off one rack and the pants off the other…..my money was funny. I really like the suit though. The fabric makes the slight color difference negligible and besides I get to wear my brown church shoes with it…Laugh it you must.

Folks, my suit has 2 stains in it. They are rough stains and I am sick about it. Taken it to the cleaners 3 times and every time I get it back it has a little tag that says “sorry, we tried but couldn’t get this out”. It usually has a sad cartoon character on it. So what I realized is that they are going to clean the suit, but they are only going to get it as clean as they can. I can either wear the suit, or I can throw it away. Those stains are not coming out.

I believe it’s the same thing with us. You can get most stains out. A little treatment may be required before the wash cycle, but most stains on our lives are forgotten over time. But there are some stains that will just not come out. You can go to church, which would be my first piece of advice. You can sometimes even find it in your heart to forgive on your own. You can do little things to get back at the perpetrator, which is not recommended. You could even go too far and become obsessed with payback and devote your life to making someone else’s life miserable. And there are people that do it too. (I promise I know 2 for sure) Whatever we do to when it comes to those deep stains might help a little, but they are not going to ever come out.

Follow me here…. I’m NOT throwing away MY suit. I have one suit that I really like and I can promise you that those 2 little stains are not going to keep me from rocking it. I get to wear my shoes with it too??!! Unless someone is taking the time to stare me down from head to toe, they probably won’t see it anyway. And if they do see it…so what? The question would be; why are they looking sooo hard? Now, the people that are closest to me would probably see it, but I don’t get close that to everyone so that’s ok. In fact, they would probably tell me I have the stains on my suit if they really care about me…just so I would know. I didn’t put those stains on my suit on purpose, they just happened.

Here again I believe it should be the same way with us. It’s time out for trying to act like we don’t have any stains. Some things that have happened to us will be there until the end of time. No need to act like they are not there, and please don’t convince yourself that they are not. It’s ok…you can’t let a couple or even a few stains affect how you live your life. What I mean is, We can’t let a couple or even a few stains affect the way We live Our lives. We have to wear it anyway, might as well make it look the best it can.

Life happens. Clothes get stained, we get stained. Sometimes it’s accidental; sometimes it’s a cruel trick. The truth about it is, the stains are there forever. I’m still wearing my suit….gonna look good in it too.

Can't Do "Right"

Not going to be long at all. I admit to being a political junkie. I watch all of the different news shows when I have a chance. I watch MSNBC, CNN, C-span, Fox news, and I listen to republican and democratic talk shows and all of that. I don’t know why I like it so much but I do.

One thing I have noticed is that they group people into these rather large categories of right and left. Then they assign characteristics to the entire group and then use that to determine how you feel and what you think. They assign social platform to you and move on. Instead of arguing different sides, and making excuses and hurling insults…let’s just assume them to be accurate descriptions. If they are accurate, there is a problem.

One side is always being portrayed as being more evangelical or Christian than the other. If that is true then why is that same side the one that rejects the very principles of the faith they supposedly have? Or even worse, why does that side apply the principles they do use disproportionately? This time I’m searching for answers.

1. The person who you claim to follow had spikes driven into his body until he died, just to help you out. Is paying 3% more taxes too much to ask to help the next person?

2. The person who you claim to follow declared that however you treat the most unworthy is the same way you are treating Him. Are you sure you want to cut unemployment and not let poor people have health insurance?

3. This is just from me…. The true life of a person begins after they are born. How can you be “pro-life” and against every program designed to lift the unfortunate individuals, born into poverty and unsafe environments, to higher heights?

The truth about it is, the dots do not connect. Either there needs to be some soul searching, or somebody needs to put brakes on the lies.

You Guilty Too

I apologize for my incorrect use of grammar; there was no other way to say it

During one of my college stints there was a horrible tragedy that occurred at another college in the city. Somebody was killed. Basically, there was a fight between students from the black school and the white school. The black students had the gun, the security guard started shooting, and a white student ended up dead. (there is no reason a regular fight should end up like that) Without getting into a lot of great detail about facts I’m not entirely sure of I will just say this. All three of the black students ended up being charged with murder. They were all found guilty.

One shot killed one person. It is not even possible for all three of them to commit that crime at the same time. (I heard the bullet matched the caliber gun of the security guard; inadmissible at trial……WTF???) It was because of this new twist in the law that basically says that if you are with them then you did it to. This got me to thinking…..

The right people must be held accountable to the right things. While any individual must be held responsible for their own actions, there is usually another party responsible through guidance and association. I cannot speak to random acts of violence; I am only referring to dealings inside of relationships. Any relationship where there are actually dynamics…..NOT violence.

Upon entry into any relationship that lives and breathes and grows you accept the individual AND…their inner circle. Do NOT be naïve. Everyone needs an inner circle of support from close friends and family. The problems arise when we encounter the dynamics or the ups and downs of the relationship and report to the inner circle. Before I continue, I must say that there are inner circles made of the finest materials and provide the right amount of support and slack to all of the persons involved. I would also have to say that is not usually the case….or so it would seem.

When relationships are reported on, it’s usually the bad stuff. Let’s just keep it real…We do tell people about the positive and good things that happen, but think about how good something has to be to be reported. Now think about how easy it is to talk about the mess ups….smdh. As a result, we destroy the jury of the inner circle as a whole. There is usually at least one person who understands the concept of “it’s probably not that bad”, but the circle as a whole usually takes evasive maneuvers.

When a foul mouth or bad wishes of a partner or participant in a relationship becomes actions and deeds, unless it’s really petty stuff, it’s coming from that inner circle too. Some inner circles take up petty recourse, but that is usually limited to personal decision making. Inner circles are involved when people make large points about life in the middle of an argument and start a vindictive agenda. Sure they said it, but it came from “them”. Need examples? Ok. Somebody goes through your things. That would be a personal decision. In the middle of an argument about the cereal somebody says you make everything about you and your happiness. $10 bet that your selfishness and arrogance has been confirmed by members of that inner circle. $20…Somebody takes a look at your cell phone messages. That is personal. Someone begins court proceedings with you involved in it. The inner circle is marching around with trumpets and megaphones. If you doubt the involvement of the inner circle just remember that your revolution will not be televised, and you can send me a shout out later.

When I was younger, I would have been tempted to relieve the inner circle of their responsibility because of the inevitable preponderance of negative info, but I’m older now, and that’s stupid. True inner circles are not established until at least the age of 28. Before that age, there are many friends and acquaintances that come and go. Around the age of 30, we lock our inner circle in for the long haul, and cry as we lose them over time. I said all that to say 2 things. 1) everyone in the inner circle has an inner circle and should recognize we all tell more bad than good. 2) the inner circle is familiar with the person and knows their characteristics, faults, traits, and tendencies; and makes a point to ignore them.

The truth about it is, when someone steps up their negative game to whole other level, their inner circle is in on it too. Now, we can apply the law where it actually makes sense. When it happens you can look at their inner circle and say you guilty too. (let at least 2 of those boys out)

He's Not A Racist

I had a very interesting conversation with a gentleman the other evening. Well...actually he was a white biker dude and it was 3 o’clock in the morning and we were at the Waffle House. (confessions…smdh). Ok. The waitresses began to ask him about an incident that happened at his club. So not only was he a white biker dude, but he actually owns the only biker club in the city. You know what a biker club is right? It’s that place that sits off of the road. There is a lot of orange and black (Harley colors) and skulls and s%#^ everywhere. The incident, of course, was one about a black guy that came into the club at 1 in the morning with 4 white girls….so of course this got me to thinking.

Anyone who said we live in a post racial society must be insane. There is no way that you can travel the same roads I travel, consume the same products I consume, or even breathe the same air that I breathe and say that we live in post racial times without damning a little piece of your soul. Racism is institutional. People confuse dislike for racism. You can hate all the black people you want. Until you set up something that can be proven to be unfair, discriminatory or anything like that, it’s just hate. No different than black people hating other blacks or white people hating other whites or any other culture who hates people of the same. But when it becomes institutionalized, it’s a different animal all together.

I could go off into a rant about the statistics…incarceration, drugs, school, blah, blah, blah..but we already know the stats are horrible. I actually have another point.

The waitresses asked the guy about a racist comment. The story went like this…My friend said they came to your bar and you said they couldn’t come in because they had a nigger with them. The biker dude stuttered a little and I could tell he was a little weird about it because I was there and one of the waitresses was black. The first thing he said was “huh….what?.....who??”. I smiled to myself and said he stalling for time. Then he said oh yeah I remember that but it didn’t happen like that. Look man I own a redneck biker bar. He said that 4 white girls came into the bar with a black guy. One rather large white girl started acting a fool because she was drunk. The black guy came over and started in with her. They said that the people at the bar had been watching them all night and treated them funny. That they weren’t gonna pay full price for the beer, tried to fight the bartender and that they weren’t wanted there anyway. To which the owner said, there was a sign in Faith, N.C. that said nigger don’t let the sun set on you in Faith. He suggested that they go remind themselves of where they were. Then the biker man says, “so, yeah I did say something but it wasn’t really like that.”

After my initial thought of this %$*@(*$&.., I quickly corrected myself and mentally punished myself for the following reason. He’s not a racist…Wait a minute..did a white guy say the “n” word? Yes. Was he actually referring to a black guy when he used it? Yes. Was he trying to be cool and just went too far? No. There was a time in my life where I think I would have slapped the guy with a racist label and started talking crap. Now I’m older and classifying someone actually takes thought.

These are the thoughts I had that influenced my change...

1. The waitresses admitted that the group who told the story were drunk as skunks. 2. It was said in the midst of an altercation. 3. It’s a man thing and the owner is going to go hard or show off on trouble makers in front of friends and clients. 4. (most important and longest) Even the people who told the story knew they weren’t wanted there. It was a redneck motorcycle bar and a black dude went in at 1 in the morning with four white girls who were drunk already.

Somebody gone say something if you do that…it was not the place to go for the brother man. If the biker guy hit the strip with four sisters at the rough hip hop club at 1 in the morning, chances are somebody would have said something there too if they started making trouble and it would have been all his fault. At a certain point it’s not about being racist, it’s about saying stuff that’s designed to hit the other person where it hurts. To be honest, if I went to the policeman’s ball with 4 drunk white girls at 1 in the morning I would probably go to jail. Something is going to happen because....well just because it is. I’m just saying. You can’t be dumb when you travel.

See the truth about it is, just because somebody says something with a racist wrapper on it doesn’t mean that they are involved in racism. Maybe they are just mad. Maybe they hate you. But until they make you unable to proceed in life, they are just haters…..you want to see racism? Look at the House of Representatives….white biker dude is not that bad.

Only You

Ahhhh...those two words sound so sweet. Think of all the beautiful things that could follow...well not this time. It's time for truth telling! This one might hit a little close to home, but that's my whole point.

Why do I say only you? Glad you asked. I say that because so many times we are the only one. The only one who has our experiences exclusively. The only one who knows every little detail about our decision making process. The only one who sees things in a particular way. The only one who carries our peculiar message for our own reasons.

Since life is made of relationships, there are times when we need to recognize that every one else is playing catch up. No matter how close or how distant any single relationship is, the other party will always be playing catch up to the whims of life that steer us. Our own side of life consists of explaining or not explaining what we have done, why we did it, what we were thinking, and how that impacts the people who care about us. That's it.

Where are you? Where were you? Why did you go there? Why did you do that? What were you thinking? Why didn't you ask me? When you gonna be done? What's up for later on? Who is that? Didn't you think about me? What would you mother say??? Who doesn't get tired of answering questions? We all do at some point. I think I know why.The reason is because of a failure to recognize the venue. Venue recognition is a must have to be successful in any relationship. I will be using some common words, but I will be using them in strict discipline so stay with me.

The words for today are stage and platform. We know those words. They are actually closely related, but the subtle differences mean a lot in this arena. The similarities come first. On both you can: make presentations, command attention, wow the crowd, be in the spotlight, take artistic liberties, and strive for acceptance. The difference comes next. The stage is for one act. A platform is presented in response to the positions of the platforms of others.

In our relationships, we have to proceed with venue recognition to enjoy the benefits of having robust and
rewarding relationships. There will always be stage time in a relationship. If someone really cares about you there must be times where they allow you to speak alone without interruption for an undisclosed amount of time. We all need that. But outside of stage time, the relationship has to be more of a platform situation.
Never forget that the other party to the relationship has a point of view as well. It may be extreme, silly, unimportant, or just plain wrong. Does that mean that they don't have a platform? No it doesn't. It means that, if you care, they have something to say and need a chance to present it. As I stated earlier, everyone else is playing catch up. In the process of catching up platforms are established. One who wants "it" to work allows for the presentation of the rebuttal. Think about it...who wants to see the same person on stage all of the time? If you had to see the same show all of the time, wouldn't it be nice to be able to interact with the star at some point? Of course it would.

Now for the important questions. Do you think you are a star? Do you always perform and never share the limelight? Do you allow for others to present their platform in an unfiltered kind of way, or do you try to steer them towards your place before they are finished? Can you deal with the fact that the other party might not agree with you? Do you understand that they are only playing catch up to your moves? Do you care enough about them to walk slow when you need to?

In case you didn't know this...the beginning of every war starts with one party feeling like they have no voice, or their voice is not being heard. Why else would there be fighting? See the truth about it is, stars only shine for a certain amount of time. You could increase your "star" power by only shining when it's time to.

What Did You Say??

If you have ever spent any time actively listening to people, you have probably asked yourself at least one time if they know what they are saying. That may seem like a weird question to pose, especially when someone has just uttered the words, but it becomes more and more relevant based on the amount of people that you speak with. Socio-economic status, age, gender, ethnicity, location are all classifications that have little bearing on the invocation of the question.

With some people, I would venture to say that saying stupid stuff is a way of life. We all know that person who does it on a regular basis. If you can catch yourself, you may find that you are holding your breath as they begin to talk. If you don’t know anyone who says stupid stuff all of the time…..then you are probably that person.

Still there is another sss (saying stupid stuff) virus that travels from person to person throughout the day. We are all infected at some point. It’s an airborne virus and there is no known cure. The maturation of the parasite has been known to affect a person mid-thought. On some occasions it skips conversations of the absurd and only rears its ugly head when it is time to talk seriously. Honestly, we are all probably just recovering from an episode of sss or just about to find out that we have been exposed to the bug.

If we accept the previous thoughts to have any validity at all, a logical question may be, “Who is worse?” Ahhhh…good question, but if we look a little deeper, that answer is not really important. Remember there were only two groups of sss candidates. The ones who live like that, and all the rest of us. We all have been or will be afflicted with this horrible disease. The better question is: How do I deal with those afflicted? Because we already know that the virus is rampant, we can only look to our response for survival.

I can’t give you everything, because life is much more than black and white and straight lines and right angles. I can give you two solid steps to deal with it.

Step 1: Take Your Vitamins (give it a sec)
When you encounter an infected person and they begin to spew nonsense, give it a sec. This has the same effect as taking vitamins to boost up your immune system. This particular virus needs warm, moist air to thrive, and arguing with someone who has sss provides the perfect climate for gestation. Think of the brief moment you take to process the information as the moment when the white blood cells of your intellect attack the source of the dreaded sss virus. One thing your body needs to fend off an attack is time to launch defense. That’s what that second is. It’s the time when you look at a person, recognize they are saying stupid stuff, and then choose the treatment you are going to administer. Only choose the medicine after you have accurately diagnosed the problem. Sometimes people are not infected with sss. They could be angry, hurt, or scared. These emotions sometimes mirror the symptoms of sss so you must be careful in the diagnostic process.

Step 2: Medicate (respond)
Once sss has been accurately diagnosed, a treatment regimen must be established. Notice that step 2 is to medicate and not necessarily to administer it to someone else. You may find that in the midst of everything, you are the one currently infected. It’s ok… The response to sss needs to be determined by the severity of the infection. A slightly infected person may tell silly lies to gain the attention of a crowd. Laughter and funny looks will suffice for the subject. A mildly infected person will say things that make them look dumb. Laughter and funny looks are good, you may have to pull them to the side and talk about it. One who is losing the battle with sss will lie about you to other people for no apparent reason. This may trigger your own battle with sss. Be careful! These carriers must be met with a dose of medicine to knock sss into remission. The truth is a good remedy. Those with full blown sss will say things to your face that are meant to hurt you. The regimen for these severely infected persons has yet to be determined...

The truth about it is…… there are always going to be people around you infected with the saying stupid stuff virus. The truly important issue is how you deal with it.

There Is No Finish Line

I was sooo tired the other day! After a couple straight weeks of being on the road, packing up and moving, and finally making it back to a cluttered home, I was trying to figure out where to get the strength from. Not to perform the menial tasks in life, but to deal with the complete crap of other people…. For some reason, my frail moments attract crap like the Middle East attracts American intervention (always and for no apparent reason). So of course this ‘got’ me to thinking…..

When do I get to pass the baton? Can’t I just get the next runner to pick up the race for a minute and let a brother receive some nourishment of some sort? Please?? I respond with a quote from 2 year olds all over the world, “NO!”. There is no help, there is no other runner (pause for clarification: There may be one who runs beside of you as in a life partner, but even still you run your race alone. If the two of you actually swap batons, everything would crash and burn…I promise). Anyway, as I was saying, there is not really a lot of help during this race. Furthermore, it would be too hard to work in tandem because of all the different paces and cramps and change of shoes and injuries and bunions and blisters and charlie horses and potty breaks. This is where the mind of the maniac comes in. (evil laughter)

I may have some help to those of you who sometimes feel like I do. A plan. Something simple. It’s revolutionary. It’s fool proof. A sure winner. All you have to do is understand the different sides of yourself. Yes you have different sides. No you’re not crazy. Yes you can learn yourself. No you don't have split personalities. Yes you can assign a name to your other selves. No, don’t let anyone know that “they” actually have names.
If I knew you personally, I would be able to break this concept down in terms that would fit your life like a tailor made suit, but since I don’t, I will publicly crucify myself for YOUR benefit. Ok, go with me now. Gonna keep it short and simple.
In the beginning of this blog, I talked about being tired of traveling, packing up and moving, making it back to a dirty house, and listening to crap. That’s at least 3 different sides of me. The worker (traveling). The regular guy (packing, moving, dirty house). The crap attractor (self explanatory). Let’s just call them James, Jonathan, and French in that order.

As the administrator of the group of 3, (which officially makes 4!), it becomes my tall order to maintain some sense of normalcy and smoothness in transition for and from the different individuals. Most days will require the appearance of each member of the group. Here is a typical day.

Eyes open. The administrator slowly approaches the outside world to see who must start. Jonathan makes it into the game. He is slightly out of shape, but the job must be done. He, in horror, slowly looks about his dwelling…then the telephone rings. James springs into action and with the most relaxed voice possible says, “Hello”. He talks about business for way too long. He is winded. Jonathan subs for James and begins to vacuum the floors and explore growths in the fridge. Phone rings…In comes James. His rest was short but meaningful. He banters on about music while simultaneously checking his to do list. He sees expenditures and bills, but it’s ok, everyone has bills. He runs errands. He admires his very fancy phone. He gets on line on it. He plays poker on it. He checks his bank account on it. French rushes in from the sideline….the administrator panics! He didn’t ask to sub. The others are stunned and frozen in midstride. The robotic voice of the not so heavenly bodiless voice has fouled and imposed on the cohesion of the team! French wreaks havoc on the playing field. He curses and figuratively throws things around. He even cheats. He impersonates the others and tricks people into approaching. He tires. Jonathan subs for him after his collapse. It’s night. James is tired and has a big day ahead tomorrow.