Am I Really Talking?

#thatawkwardmoment when someone asks me what I said and I realize that I was talking out loud (aloud). Every time that happens I immediately realize that there is no way I could possibly explain what I was thinking. I have tried several times but it never works out the right way. And there are many times that I wouldn’t dare repeat what I said word for word because it was just that bad. This blog is supposed to be about truth right? Right. Well in the interest of full disclosure I have been known to verbally let it rip. I’m embarrassed to say it but it feels therapeutic sometimes.

Oh how I could embellish the rush I experience while murmuring horrid things as I walk away from some situations and towards others. I might blank going either way. A counselor told me that I have a low tolerance for mistreatment and perceived injustice (as if I am supposed to love those things), but her point was that whenever I encounter those situations I need to learn when to pick my battles and not raise the hounds of hell EVERY time. She was right. So now, every so often, I do it outside of the venue or I murmur to myself.

Ok. That’s enough of my stuff because that wasn’t supposed to be the topic of discussion. I was actually talking about the times when the whole thought you attempted to convey or the whole presidential address you just made goes straight past, over, or through the person who should have been listening…or you thought possessed the capacity to listen. I reference those moments when the misunderstanding is so utterly ridiculous and far-fetched that you are confused by the confusion you caused. I speak of the times when you make it a point to explain yourself on a gut and honest and simple level and the person you are talking to reacts like a frightened opossum and mentally plays dead. It is at those particular moments that I wonder if I’m really talking.

I wonder if I’m really talking or only making the same sound as Charlie Brown’s teacher. I often give the offending person a good look to see if I notice anything. I always check to see if the ears are present on the sides of the head. I try to maintain some level of eye contact during the process in case of eye flutters and rapid blinking. I have even found myself looking at a person’s head to see if I could make out what was going on in there. On rare occasions I have even offered to draw pictures. I have never noticed a physical abnormality and no one ever wanted me to draw a picture.

What I did notice EVERY time is that they didn’t really want to listen.

The truth about it is I’m talking. Sometimes I need to speak more clearly and sometimes my conversational audience needs to be upgraded.

I Thought About Killing Myself

I was listening to another report of a tragic teen suicide. It seems like the rate of suicide in general is steadily on the rise. I can’t decide whether there is more bad stuff happening now, or if we just actually finally get to hear about what is going on around the world because of cable news and the internet. Are there really more horrible things going on now or are does it seem like that because we hear about it? That is hard to determine, but either way a lot of the situations are sad. The event of teen and child suicide is especially wretched. (It strikes a different set of nerves when you have children)

In the coverage there was something that actually made me feel a bit worse. Not only was I already affected by the situation itself, but then I had to watch and listen to the whole spiel of hypocrisy and isolation that followed. I heard the person say that they didn’t know what made the teens and children consider suicide as an answer to their problems. That made me angry.

How can anyone say that they don’t understand the contemplation of suicide? Are we really willing to lie to the youth and make them feel crazy and alone? I will stand tall and say I have thought about killing myself. No I didn’t plan it or take steps to carry anything out, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. If anyone tells you they never thought about it, then they are lying.

In searching for remedies to life problems and peace we think of all types of things. I will say that most of the thoughts are passing, sometimes even fleeting, but we think of all sorts of immoral and criminal behavior. We do not act on them. That doesn’t mean we don’t think of them. How many of us can honestly say that we haven’t had a thought of just ending it all? It is almost always followed by the thoughts I could never kill myself or I’m too strong to give in or even what is wrong with me, but that doesn’t take away the initial thought.

Too often we as adults are unknowingly hypocritical and thus blinded to the ramifications of our lies. We tell young people we don’t know what’s wrong with them instead of saying we all have those thoughts. The problem is not with having those thoughts it is with acting on them. People are not weird or troubled because they have crazy thoughts. That’s called an active imagination. Young people are not at risk youth because they at times feel overwhelmed by life and wonder what it would be like to just die right now. The problem appears when we skip over the action, and then tell them they are messed up or sick for the thought…as if in our darkest hour the thought never crossed our mind. We just didn’t do it. When a person is convinced of their sickness, they never get well.

The truth about it is, I thought about killing myself and anyone who says they have never had that thought is a lie…they just didn’t do it.

Faultless Before His Throne

“Now, unto Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before His throne….” I could hear my Dad saying that before he even took a breath to start. Many pastors and church people say it different now, but that is the one that rings familiar to me. In case you didn’t know, that is the beginning of the Benediction or the little thing they say at the end of church.

Just that little section right there says a lot to me; especially that part about presenting you/us faultless before His throne. That means that if we have done the things necessary to enter into the Kingdom, we can and will be presented as faultless. And of course this “got” me to thinking…(2 things)

Being presented faultless means that work must be done to us before the actual presentation. Presentations are times when we have an opportunity to show how well we have done. Of course there are times that we all have witnessed where someone had to make a presentation and it was horrible. Those times are sad and funny all at once. Some people have probably been that person…I have. But I don’t expect Him to drop the ball at the unveiling. Anyway…what I am saying is that the excerpt, in no way, describes our state upon arrival or during the time we are being worked on. Life is what we have to do right now and the presentation of us to Him comes at the end. We will reach our state of faultlessness then, so please do not be fooled into thinking you are perfect now. None of us are.

My second thought goes out to many people I have encountered throughout my life, times, and travels. When you replace Him on that glorious throne, I will worry about being presented faultless before you at that time and not a moment sooner. Until then….-(thought censored due to various reasons)

                                                                                                                                   

    -TTAI

Not How It’s Supposed To Be

And I swear that title feels like an understatement. When I look back to the plans that I had for me, I find it amazing how far I am away from the destination I had set. I had it all worked out and everything seemed foolproof. I could spend the rest of eternity trying to explain the salacious details of my trek through life and I promise it would be a good read…it would probably be a series of novels (all #1bestsellers), but this blog is not really about that. Think about it. What can you really do when you realize this is not how my life is supposed to be? I’m glad you asked.

There is only one thing that any of us can do. It doesn’t matter what has transpired. It doesn’t matter what was said or who was hurt. It doesn’t matter what news has been discovered or even who lied about what. There is no obstacle that can prevent us from this one action.

We can always MOVE ON. I can’t really say how anyone should do it, but I can say that I know it needs to be done. When you look at any aspect of your life or life in total and realize that it’s not how it’s supposed to be; keep these things in mind about moving on before you decide to. They may affect your decision making.

On your way to “ON” do not carry malice, ill wishes, hate, hurt, or scandal because this will derail your progress. Those things are anchors that bind us to the very things we are moving away from.

Do not divorce yourself from guilt. That is the internal mechanism we have for determining our own decency. In the places where guilt does not exist, neither does reality. We have all done something wrong. Own it. Do not let it own you and turn your guilt into depression and denial.

Decide what direction will get you to “ON”. Here’s a simple formula I use if you need one. Right or Left is sideways and will not result in any forward progress; Backwards will put me in the place I left.

Moving on is a personal journey and holding on to someone else for the ride is a rodeo. They are going to throw you and even if you finish the ride somebody will still make you get off after your time is done.

And here is the last but very important point. Once a decision has been made to move on, the person moving on is not the same person who arrived in the beginning. Whatever is being left behind has had a significant impact on life and perception. To deny that fact is to lie in the mirror.

Most of us can look at life or certain aspects of life and say this is not how it’s supposed to be, but the truth about it is, all of us who can recognize that need to move on.