I Thought About Killing Myself

I was listening to another report of a tragic teen suicide. It seems like the rate of suicide in general is steadily on the rise. I can’t decide whether there is more bad stuff happening now, or if we just actually finally get to hear about what is going on around the world because of cable news and the internet. Are there really more horrible things going on now or are does it seem like that because we hear about it? That is hard to determine, but either way a lot of the situations are sad. The event of teen and child suicide is especially wretched. (It strikes a different set of nerves when you have children)

In the coverage there was something that actually made me feel a bit worse. Not only was I already affected by the situation itself, but then I had to watch and listen to the whole spiel of hypocrisy and isolation that followed. I heard the person say that they didn’t know what made the teens and children consider suicide as an answer to their problems. That made me angry.

How can anyone say that they don’t understand the contemplation of suicide? Are we really willing to lie to the youth and make them feel crazy and alone? I will stand tall and say I have thought about killing myself. No I didn’t plan it or take steps to carry anything out, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. If anyone tells you they never thought about it, then they are lying.

In searching for remedies to life problems and peace we think of all types of things. I will say that most of the thoughts are passing, sometimes even fleeting, but we think of all sorts of immoral and criminal behavior. We do not act on them. That doesn’t mean we don’t think of them. How many of us can honestly say that we haven’t had a thought of just ending it all? It is almost always followed by the thoughts I could never kill myself or I’m too strong to give in or even what is wrong with me, but that doesn’t take away the initial thought.

Too often we as adults are unknowingly hypocritical and thus blinded to the ramifications of our lies. We tell young people we don’t know what’s wrong with them instead of saying we all have those thoughts. The problem is not with having those thoughts it is with acting on them. People are not weird or troubled because they have crazy thoughts. That’s called an active imagination. Young people are not at risk youth because they at times feel overwhelmed by life and wonder what it would be like to just die right now. The problem appears when we skip over the action, and then tell them they are messed up or sick for the thought…as if in our darkest hour the thought never crossed our mind. We just didn’t do it. When a person is convinced of their sickness, they never get well.

The truth about it is, I thought about killing myself and anyone who says they have never had that thought is a lie…they just didn’t do it.