Here's The Deal With Looking For Love

(grammar) You ain't gone find it.

But don't worry, it's out there...it's not hiding from you, it's headed your way. The only problem is I can't tell you how long the journey is. Your love could be in the same general vicinity or on the other side of the world.

"Well if it's out there why can't I look?" Glad you asked. It's a real simple answer too. There is no criteria.

You can take the next several seconds and try to think of the criteria for loving someone, but I promise you will only come up with the characteristics that you think you like.

(Once again I crucify myself for your reading pleasure)

See for me she would have to be 5 ft. something with nice hair (short or long...nice was the word). I "love" a quick mind and a dry sense of truth and humor. I need to see some curves...doesn't have to be extraordinary but hey I'm just talking about me. Responsibility, kindness, and self-respect are prerequisites for even talking. I have a few more things, but you get the picture.

Now here's the issue. Even when I find all of those qualities that I "love" and want so much; it doesn't equal up to what I'm actually looking for. None of those qualities equal up to or can serve as a substitute for that feeling of completion. That quick mind and those curves and nice hair can be the attributes that lead to oblivion either through misuse or abuse of those same qualities. If they know you like/want it they will use it for gain. That's not mean, it's human nature.

Don't get caught up looking for the things you think you love, wait for the person who embodies the qualities you come to appreciate over time. Those things can't be used against you.

So have fun but be patient because the truth about it is you will never find love looking for it.

Baby Where Did The Love Go?

Smdh. It’s a horrible place to be in. For the select few there is a path that allows them to meet that special person and go on to be that couple who celebrates 60 or 65 years together and while everyone else stands around and cheers. For everyone else standing around and cheering we have to go through trying to deal with different people and all of the stuff that comes along with them.

I guess the strange part about it is I believe that the people who stay together on the path of perfection have to deal with issues too…I guess it’s just the way they handle the issues when they appear. So is it the issues or the fortitude of the individuals? Don’t know the answer to that; it probably varies depending on the case in point. But there is one issue and resolution/conclusion that does not vary. It concerns the love in a relationship. When you have to question where it is or why it’s gone then it’s over.

Now that’s a very deep concept because I’m not talking about when feelings get hurt. I’m not talking about when someone doesn’t feel special at the moment. I’m not even talking about when there has been a breakdown in communication and everything is at a standstill. Those are all really bad times and difficult to deal with but it’s not the same thing as realizing the love is gone. That’s different all together.

When the love is gone that really means it was never there. There may have been some good feelings, optimism, great conversation, and a side order of lust but those things fade and leave holes. Love is what prevents the recession of those initial emotions from leaving holes and empty places in our relationships.

People are real quick to say they love you because of all the emotions and hormones and feelings that surface at the beginning. You will know if they really love you when you still feel it through the fights, misunderstandings, mistakes, mishaps, and just dumb stuff. That mushy stuff when it’s all good ain’t love.

Everyone who celebrates the old couple for being married so long while simultaneously realizing they will never make that many anniversaries knows that feeling of the love being gone. Either they lost it for somebody or somebody lost it for them. The truth about it is, if it ever got lost it was never really there.

Other Side of the Fence

Ok…They say that someone got fooled because they thought the grass was greener on the other side. Heard that before? Sure you have. It’s a cliché that references a stupid cow or at least a cow who made a mistake. Ok…but on the other side of what? It would have to be a fence. They don’t put walls in pastures. What’s the difference between a wall and fence? You can see through a fence. That means one of two things. Either the cow can’t see the grass right in front of his/her face or the grass is too far away to make an accurate assessment.

I can go with the scenario about the grass being too far away to get it right. We all know about that…like when you see someone at Wal-Mart who looks real good until you get close or even that car you thought you wanted until it passed you by and you saw the ugly rear end. Those things were difficult to evaluate because of distance. So I could see how a cow may be fooled by something far away. I know I have been fooled before.

As far as the cow looking at the grass right at his/her feet; there are several things that must go right and that is where the problems unfold. It is very hard to get everything right when it comes to major decisions. We usually just count it all good if there is any good in our results. Think about it. In order to make a good decision you have to identify a good goal, a good strategy, execute that strategy almost flawlessly, actually achieve that good goal, and do it in the good time that you have. Many things can go wrong when you need so much good stuff to go right. That’s why we settle for some semblance of success to which we toot our own horn, get the big head, and in many instances offer hollow testimonies about powers we don’t fully understand. (example) The faulty and frighteningly empty FB testimony.

But none of the stuff I mentioned is bad because those are the things that we go through on our way to being smarter cows. By the processes and failures and life lessons we start to understand to not like something until we see it up close. We learn not to gloat just because something good happened. We learn to just hold on and see what the end is going to be like before we start celebrating. There is something else we learn too…

For those who become wise enough to, on a consistent basis, make good decisions there comes a time when you regret being in possession of that kind of “wisdom”. Believe me when I report to you this lesson in life: A time in life will come where you do actually know that the grass is greener on the other side but for some reason you can’t get over or through the fence. What are you going to do about it? What would you tell that cow to do? The truth about it is, you will learn what kind of cow you have been when you taste the grass in the pasture where you set your a$$.

P.S. Somebody help me with this latch.

I Do Love You

There is only one you. People have many similar characteristics and traits, but you stand alone as an individual. Whoever you are, in your own special way, you are beautiful. There are dreams and aspirations that abide in your heart and joy and sadness take turns occupying your soul. Through your life and times you have acquired a look that belongs to you. You do have your own style and that particular way you do the things you do.

Nobody looks exactly like you and the clothes don’t fit them in the exact same way. You have dreamt in your slumber as well as daydreamed the morning away but no other person has had those exact dreams. The things your eyes have seen have sent transmissions to your soul and touched you in ways that others cannot begin to comprehend even if they were there with you. 

Falling down and getting bruised has never been the reason you gave up. Obstacles may have tripped you and snares may have torn your flesh but you healed while maintaining your pace. Your heart beats with a rhythm of progress and survival and the life that flows through your veins is the essence of beauty.

It’s funny how the things that make us unique are the ties that bind us together as human beings. Everyone reading this can identify with many if not all of the things I have said. That’s because we are different because we are the same. That’s not at all hard to grasp if you think about it. The biggest variable about human life is the sum of our experiences. In most cases when we get sick we all go to get the same medicine. Our genetic makeup is similar in more ways than it is apart. But our dreams, experiences, and exact look belong to us and set us apart from everyone else.

I, for one, respect that about each person that I meet. I try to imagine their story. I may even ask them about it if we become close enough. Because I think in that way, it allows me to love everyone. I have a bleeding heart for any person in distress whether it’s their fault or not. Like I said, I love everyone but the truth about it is that doesn’t mean I like them.

They Will Believe You

I’m amazed at times by the way adults handle affairs. Business affairs, personal affairs, social affairs… whatever type of affair it is you can always count on at least one adult to cut a fool. That means that someone will behave inappropriately. It never fails. It never ends either. After displaying characteristics that are out of order, that same person always has a problem with the way they are perceived.

For most of my life I have been told and believed that the first impression was the most important and lasting image of that could be displayed. Don’t get me wrong; making a good first impression does go a long way. That will be the measurement by which someone else views you after a first meeting. That is why we make it a point, or at least should make it a point, to dress up and speak in a correct fashion at interviews and if at all possible when we meet someone we might be attracted to. It is sort of embarrassing to be caught in a situation that calls for impressions and we are not impressive. But at this point in my life I have come to the realization that there is usually something else behind every short life lesson.

“Make a good first impression” is wonderful, but what about the rest of the time? How much weight can be put into a first impression if the conclusions from it are found to be false? Remember, we are talking about impressions and not tricks. Anyone can act right for a short time or until “we get to know each other”, but that cannot be considered as an impression. That would be more like an impersonation and even the best impersonators do falter under long term scrutiny.

The point I am pushing is that first impressions only last until the second time you meet. It’s easier to put your best foot forward if you have two good feet to choose from. The benefits of being a good person far outweigh the fool’s gold resulting from the acceptance of faking or fooling someone. If you really want to impress someone…just be a good person and stop with all of the charades.

If you make a good impression they will believe you are the person you present, but the truth about it is, they will believe you every time you present yourself.

I’m Dying

My family has been touched by the hand of death many times in the past several years. It’s always a tough and uncomfortable time because you have to deal with grief and then a true family shows concern for the ones closest to the departed (hopefully without smothering). The older we get, the more people we will lose. There is no way around it. It’s not up for debate. Another fact related to getting older is that we eventually have to come to terms with our own mortality. Even if we live an extended life and break the world record for being the oldest person, death is coming.

So technically when I say I’m dying, I’m right. I don’t believe anyone has the power to accurately predict the demise of people, but I can say that every passing minute is another number in the countdown for everyone alive…just don’t know what number it started on or what number just ticked off the clock.

So what options do I have? Believe it or not, even with imminent death by unforeseen circumstances hovering, my options still abound in large number. This is the same, or roughly close to the same line of logic that leads people to create bucket lists. I, on the other hand, have decided on a different approach. Since I have accepted my death sentence, I have decided to live. There isn’t a list long enough or all-encompassing enough to contain that.

I’m not talking about eating, breathing, and all that stuff. That’s maintaining and not living. I’m talking about really living. That means I have to tirelessly pursue dreams. I have to risk things. I have to create and execute plans. I have to remember my goals as I wade through business dealings. I have to eat fear and swallow pride in order to make it closer to the realization of those dreams. I have to rebuke the spirits of procrastination, laziness, and dysfunction. I have to be forceful and resolute when assessing my self-worth. I have to make sure that relationships are worthy and rewarding. I have to keep my wits and expand my knowledge base. I have to accept the absolute and make changes to the provisional. I have to protect my earnings and push for bigger returns on my investment. I have to be ready.

I believe that in some ways, most people feel like this. I could be wrong but I doubt it. We all have emotions and feelings. We all have wants and needs. We all have dreams and goals. We all have different approaches to life and happiness, but the truth about it is, we only have a limited amount of time to do anything. I don’t know about you but I know I’m dying…….so I’m living.

Bring The Slap Back

Many times when I write a blog I try to do something fancy with the title. I guess I want people to read to see what I’m talking about this time. This is not one of those times. Before I get started I must say that:

I, James Jonathan French, in no way endorse any particular tactic or strategy when dealing with other people.

We need to bring the slap back. It’s gone and its meaning has been manipulated and distorted over time. Now it is an act of violence. You could get expelled from school or sent to jail. Where I used to live a slap was the most disrespectful thing you could publicly do to someone. It’s seen as a method of attack and aggression. OK but….

I remember when I first knew what a slap was. It wasn’t from attacking someone or disrespecting someone…maybe I’m just getting old but I remember when people used to get slapped for their own good. A guy would slap another guy and say “Get a hold of yourself man!” A lady would slap another lady for being disrespectful and use that slap to remind her of her place. People would get slapped when other people thought they had “gone mad.” They would slap them first and then ask “Have you gone mad???” I guess they had to be slapped straight enough to answer the question in a truthful manner.

I said all this to say I have reached a point in my life where I think the slap might need to be making a comeback. At this point I have come to know too many people and even entities that could use a good slap. I don’t want to harm anyone. It is not my purpose to display aggression. This needs to be done for the good of them that deserve a slapping.

Think about it. Most people can easily identify people who need to be slapped. If you focus on who needs to be slapped there will be one name that pops into your mind first and seem to block you from thinking of a whole lot of people at once. Two things: If you can’t really think of anyone or you are able to think of many different individuals rapidly then you are the person who needs to be slapped and that’s the truth about it.

(that’s weird huh?)

I Know Who You Are, I Just Don’t Give..

Wow…I know what popped into my mind. I am somewhat ashamed of the admission but that is the truth. It makes me think about how some things go together but don’t necessarily have to. I mean that thought could be finished in many ways. It could be: give my time to just anyone and that should show you how much I care. It could be: give my phone number out like that. Or it could even be: give any attention to people when they are out of line. But more than likely it will be: give a #&@! And of course this ‘got’ me to thinking.

What could possibly make someone get to that place? (drum roll……) When one person in a relationship is trying to make the other person bow down to status.

In an effort to make this simple I will say this. Think about every time you have ever gone anywhere and the person working there, for whatever reason, seemed to go out of their way to be a prick about everything just because they could. Like the lady in the gas station refusing to sell me beer because I’m of age but she had the right to refuse because I laughed when she asked for my I.D…. I’m 35. Or when someone in any position of authority abuses it by talking down to people and belittling them as though they aren’t really people. No one should speak down to anyone but it becomes especially tragic when the subject is forced to listen because of rank or status unless it’s the military. The instance I hate most is when someone in a relationship creates drama just to be attended to. If that has never happened to you then you should get out more. And as with most common things like that, I still say if you don’t know anyone like that then you are probably that person.

If you are truly with someone, you shouldn’t try to make the other person prove it. I’m not talking about FB statuses and pics, I’m talking about testing people to qualify your status. There is no need to fake a problem or to be disgruntled because he is out with the guys or she is out with the girls to see if the other person will forsake a good time to tend to your fake needs or trumped up problems. You should NEVER fake an illness to see what kind of care you will receive. False cries of distress to see what the response time is will never be an accurate tool for measuring importance. A story already exists about that character….it’s called The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Remember at the end all was lost because nobody believed there was a wolf because he faked it so many times before. It will be the same result when the other party quits taking the tests that are designed for qualifications of status.

The truth about it is, if you continue to test your partner they will (in so many words or ways) say, “I know who you are… I just don’t give a #&@!

Real Men Work

Whoever you are, I am so glad that you are reading this. The thing I like about telling the truth (at least how I see it) is that it allows me to address certain things and by writing some of this stuff down I am able to read back through and hone my philosophies when it comes to life. I also hope that through some of explanations and I am able to help somebody along the way by offering a different or hidden perspective. For various reasons, this one hits close to home so here it is.

Statement: Real men work.

The truth about it: If you ever used that while talking to your man, brother, cousin, husband, or friend then reflect on how that worked out for you. Not so good huh? I know it. That’s because it’s stupid. Not a stupid statement but a stupid way to go about motivating someone. Now that I have that out of the way I can get to the real meat of my point.

Every man works. Whatever a man does to generate his income is his work. Some men have it all laid out for them and don't have to worry. Some men settle into nice jobs after college and secondary degres. For some men it involves chasing illusive dreams. Some men hustle money from family, close friends, and associates. Still other men generate income from illegal activities. The way he does his work may not be right. The income he generates may not be sufficient to support a family. He may forever chase his dreams and not quite reach that large payday. He may be ostracized from the family for being a crook. Either way it goes, technically speaking most men do work in some type of way. When is the last time you saw a man who didn’t work die on the side of the road naked and starved to death? There is some type of work being done somewhere.

It must be understood that there is a difference between men who AREN’T working and men who DON’T work. Real men work. Right. So that also means that they get laid off, penalized, fired, injured, and passed over for promotion. Those are the things that happen in the life of most men who AREN’T working. If you find yourself with someone who DOESN’T work, that is not a new development. They DIDN’T work when you met them and they WON'T start because you are in the picture. More than likely, reality will set in and some type of employment will be sought but it’s a developmental type of thing and can’t be forced…especially by talking trash.

Real men work, but the truth about it is, every man works you just have to decide if you can deal with his job.

Easy To Get Hurt; Easier To Get Hurt Again

I either had to do some type of dual title or do two blogs. Since they are so closely related I decided to just make it one…and keep it concise. As always, feel free to offer any information to the contrary of what I am about to say.

If you are in a relationship you will get hurt. I don’t need three points to back that statement up or anything because some things are powerful enough to stand alone. That’s one of them. We get hurt because we expect people to meet certain standards and they don’t always measure up…we don’t always measure up. The interesting is that we are not always hurt by the shortcomings of our relationship partner. Most times the transgressions are overlooked because life goes on, but every so often we are touched in a soft spot.

I define a “soft spot” as an experience in life that caused and deposited emotional damage and scarring. If someone is yelled at and damaged because of it as a child, when their partner raises his/her voice then everything blows up. If a child experiences the pain of abandonment and never recovers, when his/her partner stays away too long there are going to be words exchanged. If a child’s view of household roles is bound by violence and those experiences scar that child, threats will be taken on a literal level. And so on and so on… AND the scarring doesn’t have to take place during childhood. Depending on who you choose, it could last straight through the rest of your life.

The bad part about having soft spots is that we usually have no way of controlling the things that emotionally and mentally scar us. The damage usually comes through the experience of a situation. An even worse part about having soft spots is that unless we are willing to be honest about the causes and then make an effort to consider them in our decision making process, they will never develop the same toughness as the rest of our lives. Still what makes having soft spots even worse than every other bad thing I mentioned, is how we respond when someone touches one of ours.

We should find or make ways to deal with issues and situations that hurt us and leave emotional scars. Not dealing with them causes soft spots/weaknesses in our ability to deal with others without preconditions. It’s easy to get hurt but the truth about it is, it’s easier to get hurt again if you aren’t willing to face the pain.

Am I Really Talking?

#thatawkwardmoment when someone asks me what I said and I realize that I was talking out loud (aloud). Every time that happens I immediately realize that there is no way I could possibly explain what I was thinking. I have tried several times but it never works out the right way. And there are many times that I wouldn’t dare repeat what I said word for word because it was just that bad. This blog is supposed to be about truth right? Right. Well in the interest of full disclosure I have been known to verbally let it rip. I’m embarrassed to say it but it feels therapeutic sometimes.

Oh how I could embellish the rush I experience while murmuring horrid things as I walk away from some situations and towards others. I might blank going either way. A counselor told me that I have a low tolerance for mistreatment and perceived injustice (as if I am supposed to love those things), but her point was that whenever I encounter those situations I need to learn when to pick my battles and not raise the hounds of hell EVERY time. She was right. So now, every so often, I do it outside of the venue or I murmur to myself.

Ok. That’s enough of my stuff because that wasn’t supposed to be the topic of discussion. I was actually talking about the times when the whole thought you attempted to convey or the whole presidential address you just made goes straight past, over, or through the person who should have been listening…or you thought possessed the capacity to listen. I reference those moments when the misunderstanding is so utterly ridiculous and far-fetched that you are confused by the confusion you caused. I speak of the times when you make it a point to explain yourself on a gut and honest and simple level and the person you are talking to reacts like a frightened opossum and mentally plays dead. It is at those particular moments that I wonder if I’m really talking.

I wonder if I’m really talking or only making the same sound as Charlie Brown’s teacher. I often give the offending person a good look to see if I notice anything. I always check to see if the ears are present on the sides of the head. I try to maintain some level of eye contact during the process in case of eye flutters and rapid blinking. I have even found myself looking at a person’s head to see if I could make out what was going on in there. On rare occasions I have even offered to draw pictures. I have never noticed a physical abnormality and no one ever wanted me to draw a picture.

What I did notice EVERY time is that they didn’t really want to listen.

The truth about it is I’m talking. Sometimes I need to speak more clearly and sometimes my conversational audience needs to be upgraded.

I Thought About Killing Myself

I was listening to another report of a tragic teen suicide. It seems like the rate of suicide in general is steadily on the rise. I can’t decide whether there is more bad stuff happening now, or if we just actually finally get to hear about what is going on around the world because of cable news and the internet. Are there really more horrible things going on now or are does it seem like that because we hear about it? That is hard to determine, but either way a lot of the situations are sad. The event of teen and child suicide is especially wretched. (It strikes a different set of nerves when you have children)

In the coverage there was something that actually made me feel a bit worse. Not only was I already affected by the situation itself, but then I had to watch and listen to the whole spiel of hypocrisy and isolation that followed. I heard the person say that they didn’t know what made the teens and children consider suicide as an answer to their problems. That made me angry.

How can anyone say that they don’t understand the contemplation of suicide? Are we really willing to lie to the youth and make them feel crazy and alone? I will stand tall and say I have thought about killing myself. No I didn’t plan it or take steps to carry anything out, but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. If anyone tells you they never thought about it, then they are lying.

In searching for remedies to life problems and peace we think of all types of things. I will say that most of the thoughts are passing, sometimes even fleeting, but we think of all sorts of immoral and criminal behavior. We do not act on them. That doesn’t mean we don’t think of them. How many of us can honestly say that we haven’t had a thought of just ending it all? It is almost always followed by the thoughts I could never kill myself or I’m too strong to give in or even what is wrong with me, but that doesn’t take away the initial thought.

Too often we as adults are unknowingly hypocritical and thus blinded to the ramifications of our lies. We tell young people we don’t know what’s wrong with them instead of saying we all have those thoughts. The problem is not with having those thoughts it is with acting on them. People are not weird or troubled because they have crazy thoughts. That’s called an active imagination. Young people are not at risk youth because they at times feel overwhelmed by life and wonder what it would be like to just die right now. The problem appears when we skip over the action, and then tell them they are messed up or sick for the thought…as if in our darkest hour the thought never crossed our mind. We just didn’t do it. When a person is convinced of their sickness, they never get well.

The truth about it is, I thought about killing myself and anyone who says they have never had that thought is a lie…they just didn’t do it.

Faultless Before His Throne

“Now, unto Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before His throne….” I could hear my Dad saying that before he even took a breath to start. Many pastors and church people say it different now, but that is the one that rings familiar to me. In case you didn’t know, that is the beginning of the Benediction or the little thing they say at the end of church.

Just that little section right there says a lot to me; especially that part about presenting you/us faultless before His throne. That means that if we have done the things necessary to enter into the Kingdom, we can and will be presented as faultless. And of course this “got” me to thinking…(2 things)

Being presented faultless means that work must be done to us before the actual presentation. Presentations are times when we have an opportunity to show how well we have done. Of course there are times that we all have witnessed where someone had to make a presentation and it was horrible. Those times are sad and funny all at once. Some people have probably been that person…I have. But I don’t expect Him to drop the ball at the unveiling. Anyway…what I am saying is that the excerpt, in no way, describes our state upon arrival or during the time we are being worked on. Life is what we have to do right now and the presentation of us to Him comes at the end. We will reach our state of faultlessness then, so please do not be fooled into thinking you are perfect now. None of us are.

My second thought goes out to many people I have encountered throughout my life, times, and travels. When you replace Him on that glorious throne, I will worry about being presented faultless before you at that time and not a moment sooner. Until then….-(thought censored due to various reasons)

                                                                                                                                   

    -TTAI

Not How It’s Supposed To Be

And I swear that title feels like an understatement. When I look back to the plans that I had for me, I find it amazing how far I am away from the destination I had set. I had it all worked out and everything seemed foolproof. I could spend the rest of eternity trying to explain the salacious details of my trek through life and I promise it would be a good read…it would probably be a series of novels (all #1bestsellers), but this blog is not really about that. Think about it. What can you really do when you realize this is not how my life is supposed to be? I’m glad you asked.

There is only one thing that any of us can do. It doesn’t matter what has transpired. It doesn’t matter what was said or who was hurt. It doesn’t matter what news has been discovered or even who lied about what. There is no obstacle that can prevent us from this one action.

We can always MOVE ON. I can’t really say how anyone should do it, but I can say that I know it needs to be done. When you look at any aspect of your life or life in total and realize that it’s not how it’s supposed to be; keep these things in mind about moving on before you decide to. They may affect your decision making.

On your way to “ON” do not carry malice, ill wishes, hate, hurt, or scandal because this will derail your progress. Those things are anchors that bind us to the very things we are moving away from.

Do not divorce yourself from guilt. That is the internal mechanism we have for determining our own decency. In the places where guilt does not exist, neither does reality. We have all done something wrong. Own it. Do not let it own you and turn your guilt into depression and denial.

Decide what direction will get you to “ON”. Here’s a simple formula I use if you need one. Right or Left is sideways and will not result in any forward progress; Backwards will put me in the place I left.

Moving on is a personal journey and holding on to someone else for the ride is a rodeo. They are going to throw you and even if you finish the ride somebody will still make you get off after your time is done.

And here is the last but very important point. Once a decision has been made to move on, the person moving on is not the same person who arrived in the beginning. Whatever is being left behind has had a significant impact on life and perception. To deny that fact is to lie in the mirror.

Most of us can look at life or certain aspects of life and say this is not how it’s supposed to be, but the truth about it is, all of us who can recognize that need to move on.

Being Alone SUCKS…

Fact: Being alone sucks.

Fact: The people that say they enjoy it soooo much are lying.

Fact: You can make the best out of it and focus on bettering yourself.

Fact: Being alone sucks.

Fact: The problem with being alone is more than just being alone.

You can decide that my facts are not true and I challenge anyone to that debate.

So now that the initial information has been processed here is the whole deal about being alone. For most people there comes a time when we, for whatever reason, find ourselves without a mate or that special someone. Sometimes it’s for good reason and sometimes it’s for not so good reasons. Either way we are all overwhelmed by the same feelings, emotional roller coasters, and ill-thought through generalizations that plague the other loners.

For most people this becomes a time of reflection and thoughts of personal growth and development. I know for sure that people think about all that led up to the time alone. I also know for sure that people think about personal growth and development at the time. I also know for sure that many if not most people fail to implement anything in the realm of personal growth and development. What I mean by that is we vilify the other person, justify our own mistakes, and then go right back to whatever it was we were doing. That’s all I’m going to say about that because this is about why being alone sucks and not about what to do during “vacation”.

Being alone sucks for many reasons. There is no one there to share laughs. No pillow talk. No immediate person to bounce ideas off of. No help with the bills. Thoughts of inadequacies. I could go on forever but I won’t continue because all of those things pale in comparison to the real reason why being alone sucks.

The worst part; the torturous part; the part that eats away at our insides; the part that really sucks is recognizing you are alone when you REALLY need someone. It’s a horrible thing. That’s the part about being alone that makes people just go get someone to have somebody there for the next time. It will make people settle for people they know are not right or settle for people who have already proven they weren’t right the first time. It makes ugly people look good, dangerous people look harmless, and good-looking people look like gods and goddesses. It breeds lust and irrational thoughts.

No need to worry though…there are plenty of people out there looking for someone and the odds are in your favor but the truth about it is, until you find them…being alone SUCKS. IJS.

Carrots and Sticks

There are two tricks with carrots and stick. Both involve tempting when it comes to the carrots. The stick can be used a couple different ways. It can be used to beat the victim as a part of the mean and evil consequences that arise from being fooled by the carrot into a trap or it can be used to dangle the carrot unassisted in front of the victim. Either way the culprit uses carrots to entice and stick to do something.

If we look at it on a human level, a carrot can be defined as anything desired of us from others. Those things include but are not limited to money, conversation, deeds, activities, accompaniment, sex (appropriate marital status is preferred), and attention. If anyone uses the withholding of any of those types of things in order to manipulate or punish then they are guilty of using carrots and sticks.

The problem with the approach is that the clever criminal doesn’t usually think about what will happen when the carrot dries and becomes withered and begins to rot and stink and gets those funny looking spots of mold on it. No prey will chase a carrot like that into a trap. Not even a fool will continue to chase the things they want for eternity so there should be a recognition that they will not chase what they don't want anymore for anytime at all.

So here it is for me, you, and everyone else…If you do it with money, be prepared when your money gets funny. If you do it by not speaking to the other person, be prepared when they start talking to someone else. If you do it by denying the needed things for your own people, be prepared when someone else starts doing it. If you do it by refusing to do anything with your significant other, be prepared when they do it with someone else. If you do it by refusing to go places with your partner, be prepared when they go with someone else. If you do it with sex and attention…then you already know.

At a certain point, whatever carrot that is being dangled spoils or rots or begins to decay. Money doesn’t captivate forever because someone else always has more.  Not speaking bears no good results it only further erodes lines of communication. Selling someone out hurts the trust and there is nothing more difficult to repair than trust. Quality time doesn’t matter when the other person no longer desires to spend time with you. Always sending your partner out alone will eventually lead to a meeting between them and that perfect stranger. The sex trick becomes tedious when things are no longer in the same places because our bodies age and don’t have the same raw appeal after a while. Shunning someone has never made the shunnee appreciate the presence of the shunner.

The truth about it is, carrots and sticks is the most dangerous game. Carrots are perishable…The stick is another story.

You Got ‘Em Pregnant

This one goes out to everyone in the entire functional world! (Some people for various reasons are not functional) It’s rare that I have a thought big enough to consider it relevant to the entire world, but I think I may have stumbled upon one.

Now we all know who gets who pregnant. If you don’t know that one then send me an email or something so I can counsel you through a wealth of information. But here it’s about who gets what pregnant. Everyone in the functional world is tasked with making certain things we call decisions. We have to decide a multitude of things on an hourly level. Unless we are asleep, then the decision making process is an ongoing process. It’s the never-ending app that drains the batteries of our souls. Some may think that decisions equal results and that’s how the world works. I say wait one minute…it’s not that easy.

I don’t believe we even actually make decisions. That would mean that as an individual we have a say so in all that will happen from that action. I believe there is a difference in thinking you are making a decision and actually impregnating a choice. That’s right. We are not making decisions we are getting our choices pregnant.

The gestation of the choice embryo varies in every pregnancy and many times the due dates happen at the same time in different time zones and locations. There is no way to be around for every live birth but you’d better believe that it has been recorded somewhere. Oh the horror of having to take care of offspring that age faster and get sassy quicker than their twin. It is the saddest event, to watch some of the newly born wither before your very eyes. How strange it is to see the birth of something that is old and wrinkled upon entry into the world. How heartbreaking it is for one of them to grow from being such a beautiful little one to becoming a horrid beast at maturity. It is so out of place watching the birth of a pubescent decision. How tiring it is to keep up with all of them at the same time. But there is still a worse reality that lies ahead…

The offspring, for the most part, quickly reproduce and usually it is at an alarming rate. These are not bunnies or fish, these are the most prolific creation of all time. They are our choices and each one of us is responsible for the offspring that comes from us.

The truth about it is, the next time you start complaining about everything happening you should look at those fine and sexy choices and realize that you got ‘em pregnant.

Those Luscious Lips

Everyone has lips…ok there are a few exceptions, but I’m making a generalization so I hope I didn’t offend the lipless. There are juicy lips, thin lips, big lips, hard lips, brown lips, and those funny pink lips where you know something just ain’t right. Needless to say that I could ramble on about lips for quite a while, but it’s the luscious lips that I want to focus on.

I’m talking about the lips that are so pleasing to your sight and feel so good when they are on you that you almost don’t even hear the crap that comes from them. The lips that can kiss you goodnight but yet provide a hiding place for the forked tongue of the devil. It is of those luscious lips that I speak.

I wonder if I am the only person who has recognized the trick in those lips…I can’t be. We all know someone who has them. I believe that if you don’t know anyone with luscious lips then you are the person that I am talking about. In either case here are a few statements that will help you if you are confused.

You know you have luscious lips when: you have to remember what you said and not what happened.

You know you have luscious lips when: you are the star in every story you tell.

You know you have luscious lips when: you can offer no proof or facts supporting the things you say.

You know you have luscious lips when: you have no true friends.

You know you have luscious lips when: everyone in your inner circle has a different version of the same events in your life.

You know you have luscious lips when: you look in the mirror and know in your own heart that you lie... consistently.

The truth about it is, I will take my lips any way but luscious.

Who Can I Trust

Everybody has asked this question. And I’m willing to bet that most people were asking themselves the question. The major issue with you asking yourself this question is that not having the information readily available means it’s going to be hard to find the answer.  A person would need at least one of these things and probably all:   some confessing, counseling, and soul searching. That’s the issue. The major flaw with you asking yourself that question is that there is no answer. That’s right…no answer.

Certain questions can only be answered when they are complete. “What am I going to….?” to WHAT? Eat, wear, see, find, do? “How do you….?” How do I what? I could answer if I knew what was being asked. It’s the same thing with “Who can I trust….?” Trust when, with what, to do what, for how long?

I don’t believe that all people aren’t honorable or that nobody is trustworthy, I believe that trust is too easily bruised in relation to the time it takes to mature. Listen…it feels like robbery because the minute you drive your car off of the car it depreciates and you lose roughly 20% of the value. That is bad. But it pales in comparison the trust depreciation of a friend who, in many ways, drives off of our lot. I bet it’s more than 20%. Now if that same car were to breakdown shortly after the warranty period then we would do everything humanly possible to get it back up and running at 100%. Once the trust is broken down we are more likely to let it rust and decay in the barn than we are to get it serviced AND there is no warranty period. The newer the relationship when the trust is damaged, the easier it is to bounce (leave).

Inevitably, on some level, the trust in any relationship is bound to be shaken if not stirred so I guess the poignant question becomes: Why does it always happen? It happens because no one can live, operate, or understand the way we would like them to at all times and that always leads to differences in judgments. Judgments on opposing sides yield different results. In the case of relationships both people are never ALWAYS in agreement and perceived errors in judgment or bad results lead to trust issues.

IF

You(I) let it happen. You(I) keep issues unresolved. You(I) fail to communicate effectively. You(I) lie. You(I) can read minds.

I do need to clear some things up. I am not talking about the horrific events and lies that deserve expulsion from life. I am not suggesting that anyone put up with those outrageous breaches of trust and violations of the extreme type. Some people just really do not deserve to remain in the friend/acquaintance bracket. My only advice is to be cautious and only make important decisions after calming down and thinking about it thoroughly. I’m really only referencing those times when we overreact to some trust weight lifting just because someone worked us out. Get tough. Then get over it.

The truth about it is…If you don’t already know who you can trust then it’s going to be a process. 

Now Why Did You Say Jesus Died?

First things first, I’m not a preacher. I have never received any theological training and Lord knows I’m a sinner, but I do spend time thinking about things. I do understand that you may not agree with me and as always you should feel free to comment.

I have been in church all of my life. For years now I have heard that Jesus died for our sins. When you spend some time thinking about it, at a certain point you realize that is a true statement. We, as Christians, are saved from sin through the pain and suffering that Jesus endured on the cross. Maybe it was his actual blood that was spilled that washed us or maybe it was his utterance of forgive them for they know not what they do that covers us. Either way it goes, we all know that Jesus died for our sins.

For our sins…I wrestle with that a little. Actually a lot. Not because I don’t believe but because it is such an intangible sort of thing. When I push it a little further or push it down the wrong way I would also say that particular teaching can and has been abused to make everything alright. See if Jesus died for our sins, then what I have done or about to do is ok. Jesus has it covered. At this point I could go down the social path and point out a bunch of problems but I have another point here.

I believe that if we only focus on one reason for His dying then we have lost a valuable lesson. Probably the most valuable lesson in terms of humanity. We must remember that God allowed Himself to be shown in a form of spirituality and humanity that we could relate to. I believe that form was offered just as much for deeds as it was symbolism. Symbolism is so subjective and without proper training you could misunderstand much but I’m going to stretch out so here goes.

Along with dying for our sins, He also died for show. Not for the show that we talk about when showing off or wearing clothes to church, but to actually show us what we are capable of. If someone literally crucified us we would die. The pain, loss of blood, and the broken legs inflicted on those that lived would take anyone out of here. The piercing of the side with a spear and thorns would make us pass out. Science has revealed that maybe the juice used to give him drink had a somewhat suppressive effect but surely the effect wore off after a while. That death could only be categorized as the worst.

But can you honestly look at your life and say you have never been symbolically crucified? Have the words of others ever pierced your sides and made you bleed? Have the deeds of some or the hurt brought about by others ever nailed you to your cross? Has your head ever been adorned with thorns from bullying and words from those that have no empathy? I have been through that and if I continue to live will go through it again.

But the show gives me just as much hope and peace as the fact that He died for my sins. Believing in the show gives me strength to carry my cross up that hill. It gives me tough skin when I encounter nails. I believe it provides me tweezers and tools to remove the splinters from my back. I believe that it provides casts and shape when my legs are smashed by dream killers and agents of destruction. I believe that it gives me the strength to forgive others when they don’t know what they do. I believe the show reminds me that I will live again. It wasn’t just for my sins. The truth about it is, it was just as much for the example. Don’t miss all of the points focusing on one.

So tell me again…now why did Jesus die?

Facebook Walkers, Talkers, and Stalkers

Most of us fall into one of these categories. I would just like to take a moment and offer a few words on them. I understand that you may not agree with the following statements. I hold them to be true and would offer the comment section for rebuttal.

Facebook Walkers- This category is the largest one. It consists of the casual facebooker. The person who uploads some pics and makes a few comments. The person who posts decent responses to the comments of facebook friends. On occasion, people in this category do vent and respond emotionally, but in most circumstances it’s a passing phase and life begins anew on the next day with calmer posts. Facebook walkers check up on old friends and people they think are attractive. They keep up with current events, post links, participate in silly games, and generally use FB for what it is for. The facebook walker may not do any of these things. They may only log in every week or so, but even the most casual facebook user would fall into this category. These facebook walkers stroll about facebook as a social media participant sometimes looking for fun, sometimes looking to make a point, sometimes to talk too much, and sometimes to even solicit responses. They are usually the most innocent creatures even though they may stray and become mischievous from time to time.

Facebook Talkers- These people begin their journey as facebook walkers, but the amount of information coupled with the compulsion to flap lips (gossip) is too much to bear. Some facebook walkers become gremlinized. They indulge themselves in the late night hours with the juicy morsels of innocent facebookers who make posts. The innocents do not know they are turning weak walkers into evil facebook talkers, so they bear no responsibility for feeding them. The greedy newly emerged facebook talker, somehow immune to the rays of the sun, bursts into the new day with only one mission. The mission is to spread the news to the most inappropriate people before the next feeding. These are horrid little creatures and should be called out for their atrocities before they attack others. Do not be fooled by these small but rabid beasts. They will tell you that the transmission of the information was accidental or done by another, but again I stress to not be fooled. They lie. These hellions are found hiding in every corner of life. They could be people you once trusted, church folks, peers, and even family members.  

Still the progression worsens.

Facebook Stalkers- This last and final category is the most dangerous. At first glance they appear to be facebook talkers. They exhibit all of the signs of the talkers but there is one awful trait that sets them apart. They need hosts. This is an awful trait because not only is the attention unwanted and bothersome, but it is focused and can become scary. These are the people that text and call strangers just because their number was on the info. These are the people that respond most inappropriately to pics and post indecencies to the wall and inbox of their hosts. They do not understand no. The facebook stalker, because of the facebook talker stage, will use information to get close to the host. Once entertained, any effort to rid them of the parasite will result in immediate attack upon the host by the facebook stalker. They may even try to friend your acquaintances and family. Not only should these bandits be called out, but they should be unfriended and reported. The situation can get out of hand quickly. The longer the stalker is attached, the harder it is to free the host. Remember, love (even FB love) can be scary, but is never creepy.

The truth about it is, there are facebook walkers, talkers, and stalkers. Examine yourself. You are either cute and fuzzy or a monster from the bowels of the ugliest purgatory raising hell in the life of people who don’t want you around. (hint, hint)

Searched All Over

Like I’ve said before I’m a musician and I’m a church guy AND I’m straight. Not trying to offend anyone but we are who we are and I thought I needed to make the point because I know what I see. I had a conversation with my preacher about it when we were looking for a fill in one Sunday and it was funny because he told me that I was the one that was out of the ordinary. Go figure. But anyway the song “Nobody Greater” has this part where it says “Searched all over…..couldn’t find nobody….” Let’s just stop right there because that’s the part that ‘got’ me to thinking.

In our personal dealings I would say that the search is the best and most dreaded aspect of a relationship. One disturbing part is the fear that arises from the thought of being unsuccessful. People shut down instead of search for fear of not finding. Another scary aspect is finding someone who wasn’t worth the search. And still another more frightening block to searching is finding someone and then being let down after you have already invested.

Invested is a funny word because it immediately causes us to think of money.  Money is funny because unless one party isn’t working it all comes out in the wash….or unless somebody just doesn’t want to be an active participant. (On stage) “I know we have some ride-a-longs in the house!” But money is the least of your investments when it comes to relationships and any other matter of the heart. The only time we worry about the money is at the end of everything when we are broke. But I promise you are more likely to get some more money before you are able to heal from the loss of the other investments. The other investments include things such as time and travel destinations. Time cannot be retrieved and in many instances destinations are scarred by having been there before with someone else. The other investments also include hopes and dreams which can only be birthed again once they are shattered.

Finding someone who wasn’t worth the search is probably the most trivial matter because it occupies time that should be spent continuing the search. It’s almost always happens that when we make a personal stop along the railway of relationships, we are going to spend some time there even if we have a feeling that we are not at our true destination. This is the trivial matter but it is also the one that discourages many from actually searching. It is the aspect that breeds the most frustration.

And lastly there is that first fear of being unsuccessful in the search process. Being unsuccessful could be the result of many things. Maybe not being in the right place at the right time. Maybe finding someone who is already taken. Maybe rejection is found. Maybe the standards are set amazingly high. Whatever the reason, the thought of undertaking the search process and not finding anyone is enough to scare some people away. That’s scary too.

But the truth about it is, the most frightening thing would be to NOT be able to say that I searched all over. That is what makes the search the best part. It takes away the regrets.

It Is What It Is

Out of all the popular sayings, this has to be the worse. The only response to that statement can be the reverse in question form. Is it? What is it? Now I do have to say that I have used the phrase and it does have a certain heft to it that feels good in the dismissal of whatever it is…that’s when we say that. We use it when we really have stopped caring and when we have hurt feelings and even when we want to hurt someone else. It’s a form of dismissal. We say “it is what it is” and that’s usually the end of whatever it was.

My problem with the saying? The influx of ignorance that results from the implementation of this particular mindset.

There is no way to know everything. No man/woman is omniscient. But there is no way to possibly know anything when there is refusal to search the facts. Having a mindset of “it is what it is” even if the phrase is never uttered means that the stepping stones and lessons in life that should be remembered and employed are thrown out at the new starting point. That means that streams that have already been passed are once again unnavigable because the path across has been forgotten. It means that when the tests of life come the lessons haven’t even been studied.

Very few things in life are what they are. Most of the time it is some of what it is and a lot of what we make it. Aside from the Lord and many inanimate objects, most things can be molded into something beneficial. Even if the results are horrid the analysis of what produced the results is usually important enough to take note of. But the task becomes difficult when “it is what it is” instead of “what made it?” or “what can be made of it?”

I watch the children’s shows with my daughter. (So what?!) One thing they make sure that children can recognize is a pattern. I can’t figure out how we wait until adulthood to not be able to recognize patterns. We don’t see patterns of behavior in anyone except everyone else in the world. The patterns that make up our own personal lives hide from us. They find shelter and comfort in the part of our life right before we said “it is what it is.”

                                                                                                                                                   ----TTAII

When We Gone Get Something?

This one goes out to ALL my black brothers and sisters. I usually try to focus solely on issues that are common to most people. That’s what I try to do. On some level I guess I hope that one day we will still achieve that thing called unity. (singing Kum Ba Yah). And then something happens like what happened to Trayvon Martin. That boy was murdered plain and simple. And the police department is in on it. You may not agree, but don’t put your money up.

Finally after almost a month of a nothing investigation, the Department of Justice is going down to Florida to make sense of it all. There is none. Only murder and corruption. No sense. I, like everyone else, have seen the internet petitions and the outrage of cable T.V. personalities. I signed the petition and posted it to my wall on FB, and I have been following the story as best I can. As of right now all I can say is it’s a shame and a disgrace.

Not just because that poor innocent child was murdered, but because we as black people have no response for anything. And that is just as shameful and disgraceful. People used to do things to us before and during the civil rights era but at least then they already knew a response was coming. It might have been in the form of the nonviolent gathering of King and his followers, or Malcolm and the NOI, or even the Black Panther Party. I mean don’t get me wrong because Rev. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are sure to show up with the Rainbow Coalition and we appreciate them…but seriously when we gone get something?

When is our response going to be just as feared and expected as it once was? Wait---We are so unorganized and confrontational with each other that retribution for crimes against fellow members of our race only comes from the family and close friends. There is no black response. Where is our leader who will call us to action when the time comes? And why is it that just because we don’t have a King or X we just can’t get it together? We have better technology than before. We have more wealth than ever before. We have better education than ever before. We have better access to world happenings than ever before.

And we have less heart, less fight, less love, less compassion, less sense, and less meaningful culture than ever before. We finally have a black president and I am more likely to see some supposed brother (West and Smiley for starters) on television giving him hell and high water than I am to see a brother giving a full throated endorsement. Even if you don’t agree with him, is it too much to ask for respect in the accomplishment? Yep. It’s always a few of us hating trying to show off for people who would just as soon take your life because you have skittles and iced tea. We don’t even respect each other. We don’t even respect ourselves. Why would somebody from another race be scared to do anything to us? Even our Mexican brothers and sisters have been known to call up the fam from south of the border to handle stuff. Who do we call? Who responds to the calls of our hurt, wounded, or killed brothers and sisters?

They know we are not coming.

When we gone get something?—_grammar

                                                                                                -----TTAII

Tomorrow Is Promised

Ever seen that thing where people are supposed to describe you in one word? A major shout out to everyone who had enough guts to put that out there! I never really believed that people paid too much attention to me, so the first barrier for me would be getting past believing that people wouldn’t respond. The next barrier would be preparing me for what could possibly be said. I try to act appropriately at all times, but there are times when I slip and there are always my days of youthful indiscretion to talk about.

So rather than to unfairly draw you into the sorted details of my life, I selected a good quality. Everybody has some good to them. And one thing that I like about me or one word I would use to describe myself is: thinker. Now I’m not in a position to say that my thinking is always a good thing or that I always make the right choice, but it can never be said that I’m not thinking. Might not be about what somebody wants me to be thinking about, but I’m still thinking.

I really like to give thought to popular clichés to see if I can find fault or error in their logic. It’s not really that easy either. I have found that most things that have been said and passed down over the years contain truths at the core and cannot be fully debunked. Statements like a hit dog will holler. True. Sayings such as idle hands are the devil’s workshop. True. Or even what goes around comes around. True (if you don’t know you will learn). I was thinking about one today though…

“Tomorrow is not promised.”

First let me say that I believe that this quote has been altered and in societal haste to avoid condemnation and responsibility we have conveniently left out the part about us. I often hear it used almost as a warning when someone dies. You know, “live right because tomorrow is not promised”. I have even heard it used to sway a decision making process. “You might as well because tomorrow is not promised.” If I just focus on the way it’s used now then it’s being used in the wrong manner and not necessarily in a truthful manner.

I have to address the truthfulness of it first. I do not believe it. I believe that tomorrow is promised just not to me. Whatever happens, a new day is coming. I just might not be a part of it. There could be a Katrina, a Hiroshima, a 9/11, or even a Fukushima and tomorrow is coming. (That’s a hurricane, atomic bomb drop, catastrophic act of war, or a nuclear disaster). The sun could explode and refuse to shine and cast us into a death freeze but time is still going to be moving. Anything could happen, and tomorrow is going to come…just maybe not for me.

When I say the wrong manner, I mean that it should not be used as a warning to other people. It should be used as motivation for our own lives. It’s something to live by, not point out. The recognition of mortality and fear of the unknown should be enough to motivate us out of complacency and procrastination. The thought of never seeing and not being able to resolve issues with loved ones should be enough to make us all give second and third thought to those important decisions. The possibility of not being able to finish the work in life already started or to never realize the return on any investment ever made should give a whole new meaning to “whistle while you work”. Not because of the ease that the job is done with, but because of the speed and dynamic efficiency in the rate of accurate service provided. It should symbolically make a whistling noise. Now a days the verb used to describe that is “beasting”. Of course the thing to be now is a “beast.”

To ponder not having tomorrow should result in the creation of at least one motivated yet thoughtful beast on a daily basis because the truth about it is, tomorrow is promised…just not to me.